I have handed my son over to surgeons knowing they would stop his heart, and prayed that it would beat again. I have learned more than I ever thought I could. I have cried more than I ever thought possible. I have celebrated victories and milestones that others never have to. I have walked a road I never knew existed. I will walk this road forever. I am a mommy to a CHD Angel ♥ iLy Kayden James

Thursday, April 21, 2011

If you could turn back time...

As I was making a video the other night for Kayden, the first one since his surgery, I was going through some old pictures of him & I started to cry. I felt bad for crying because I miss who he use to be. I miss him being a baby & I miss when it was just Alexis & Kayden. I miss the days during the summer when he'd go outside and play all day. I miss them so much that it hurts my heart & I can feel the pain stabbing me like knives. And I asked myself, does this make me a bad person? I think it does. I feel bad that I miss all of that. I shouldn't miss those days & I definitely shouldn't miss just having 2 kids because I love Tavion & Isaiah just as much as Kayden & Alexis. 

But then I look at everything that has happened since those days and I think I would have done a lot of things differently when he was playing outside, and when he was a baby, etc. I would have spent a little extra time with him, even if I really didn't have time. I would have taken him & Alexis more places just the 3 of us so they could have more time. I would have played outside more with them & not just watched. I feel like I've missed more than I should have. I know though that I can't go back. I can't rewind and stay in that time zone just to spend more time with him. I guess that is why now, I've changed a lot. I spend more time with all 4 of them. I don't let them too far away from me, which could be a little too over protective but Kayden has been through so much I do admit I'm VERY protective over all of my children now!! I just hate feeling bad and hurting like this & I don't know how to make those thoughts & feelings go away. Everytime he says he won't go outside or when he does and he won't play it makes me so sad & I can't help but think about those fun days & nights that he'd be outside & I couldn't get him inside. If only I knew then what was coming I would have let him stay out as long as he wanted!! I would have probably let him get by with more than I did haha!! 

In other words though, as much as I'd love to turn back time & go back to Kayden being little, I would only change certain things. But then again I may not because the things that we've done & been through has made us who we are today. And I think after his surgery & everything I can feel the bond me and Kayden have. I've always felt it with him but it is so much stronger. When he was in surgery & they told us the update of him being on the bypass, I remember closing my eyes, attempting to hold back tears I took a deep breath & opened my eyes & looked to the sky. I felt Kayden with me. He may have been in the OR but I could just feel him holding my hand still. & when he was paralyzed & sedated. When I'd talk to him I knew he could hear every word I said. Kayden has this thing about him. You always know when he is near, his presence is so strong & even him just lying there not moving you could feel him there. Even the first day we were in Boston, when we took a break to eat lunch from meeting everyone. Kayden, me & mom were the ones eating down in the cafeteria & every day I'd go eat there. I could just feel & see him right where we sat that day. His presence is so strong you can feel him anywhere he has been. Kayden is going to be someone someday, I just have that feeling about him. He is special in every way possible. 

1 comment:

  1. Awwww You Have Amazing Little Ones ! You're Such A Strong Mommy Misty & I Look Up To You !