I have handed my son over to surgeons knowing they would stop his heart, and prayed that it would beat again. I have learned more than I ever thought I could. I have cried more than I ever thought possible. I have celebrated victories and milestones that others never have to. I have walked a road I never knew existed. I will walk this road forever. I am a mommy to a CHD Angel ♥ iLy Kayden James

Saturday, April 2, 2011

Home is where the heart is

We made it home. Instead of leaving Thursday we decided to leave Boston on Wednesday night lol! Mostly because back at the hotel, Kayden kept sayin 'i wanna go home' and HOW in the world could I turn him down & say no!! He is just so precious & I can't tell him no! It breaks my heart to know I'll have to correct him at some point. He has been through so much that I just hate to tell him no, or tell him to stop doing something. Because I will know in my heart that not long ago he wouldn't do whatever it is i'd be telling him to stop doing!! I have been doing a lot of thinking the past few weeks! I've realized so much what is really important and what really isn't so important!! I've realized that all the problems I thought were so big and bad that they are NOTHING compared to what I've gone through & what people have gone through. I saw babies fighting for there life. Because mostly in the CICU I saw babies and only a few toddlers & 1 teenager!! The CICU is a scary place to be. You see little ones connected to wires, on breathing machines, getting IV's, having 3 needles in them at a time. And I think the worst of it was the ones not moving. Knowing they had probably came out of surgery a day or so before & they were still sedated & paralyzed. That was the worst for me seeing Kayden like that. It broke my heart because I talked to him & I was hoping he'd say something back..but in reality I knew he would not answer me. But yet I was hoping to hear that cute little voice of his!! It all seems so unreal but yet it brings you back to reality real quick.
I was sitting there that night and beside us a little baby passed away and the mother you could hear crying and she couldn't speak good english so it was just so heartbreaking!! I just wanted to ball my eyes out because it could have very well been Kayden. And while I was sitting there holding his hand telling him to stay strong & keep fighting, that heart mommy was having to walk out of the CICU facing all of our worst nightmare!! And next year when I am celebrating Kayden, she will be grieving over the loss of her child!! I just couldn't help and still can't help but think about right this second someone will be told there child will be born with a heart defect. And when we walked out of the hospital, some other family was walking in. It's all so sad if you realize that. There are just SO many children living with a CHD, there are so many adults living with heart defects, and more and more are being born each day!! Families and peoples lives are being changed forever!! I can not help but hold all my other 3 children much tighter and thank God EVERY second for all 4 of my kids! I will always continue to tell Kayden's story to other people & I will FIGHT for all of the CHD survivors, warriors and all of our CHD Angels until awareness is spread throughout the world! I will continue to speak for those who can not speak any longer or for those who can not speak yet!! I will forever be a part of a community bigger than myself! And that is the CHD community, we are ALL family connected by our children. We are a family who understand each others silence or understand each others feelings even though we have never met once...we do UNDERSTAND each other!! I like to think that one day, Kayden's story will be of help to another family!

1 comment:

  1. Your so strong girl, I love reading your posts! Im so glad Kayden is home and enjoying himself! :)