Just one of those nights...

Tonight's just one of those nights where everything is running through my head.

I still wonder why did all this have to happen to us. I am scared to death whether it shows or not. I know I put off like everything is okay & tell everyone, Kayden's going to be fine. But I don't know if everything will be okay. God knows I love my son & I would like to think he wouldn't take him from me, but he's done it before to other heart families. I'm scared to death. I live with death everyday STILL even after his surgery. He hasn't gotten much better. & in someways he is worse. HE HAS SLEPT BASICALLY ALL DAY TODAY!! He got out of bed at around 5:30 & then went back to bed at 10ish. I just don't know what to do but I know that's not normal. I know he needs his rest..But does he need that much? I want to spend as much time with him as I can & when he does this I can't, so I go lay in his bed with him & try to talk to him, but sometimes he just turns around lol. He likes to be alone & that makes me sad. He's 3 1/2 years old, he should be up running around getting into crap like Tavion lol!! So tonight as I'm about to go to bed, my whole world comes crashing down around me. I think about how things use to be, how things should be, how things are. I just know I love my babies so much it hurts me. I really can feel it sometimes & it makes me smile so much & brings so much joy that I can get tears in my eyes for no reason at all..Or is there a reason & those reasons are because I love them so much & don't want them to grow up & ever leave me. I want things like this forever I wish we could freeze time sometimes.