Everyday for the rest of my life..

I hate nights like tonight. I just want to curl up in a ball go to a corner and die. The pain is so horrible and sometimes feels unbearable. I can't control my tears they just keep coming. I wish I could have my baby back. I don't understand why these things happen. I never will. Kayden was and is MINE why couldn't he stay? It's NOT FAIR! You got drug addicts out here who have their healthy kids and here I am wanting mine back. I hate you CHDs I really really REALLY HATE YOU!! You killed my son and now I have to live the rest of my life like this. I can't even begin to explain how much I miss him or how I feel. I just know I have no clue how I'm gunna do this the rest of my life. I hate to think of how many years I have ahead of me without my baby boy, the tears just keep falling kind of like a waterfall too or like running water that won't turn off no matter how hard you try. My heart aches, my arms are empty they want him so bad. I want to feel his touch, I can still smell him when I go in his room somedays. It kills me that he isn't there and he will never be there again no matter what I say or do. Not many people understand that or can imagine how it feels to lose something that can never be replaced. People say I'm stong, no not really. You have no clue how I'm shattered I am inside. I'll never be whole, I'll never be fixed, I'll NEVER be me again. It's like a nightmare that I can't get out of...WHEN WILL IT END?!?!?!??!!!!!!!!