I have handed my son over to surgeons knowing they would stop his heart, and prayed that it would beat again. I have learned more than I ever thought I could. I have cried more than I ever thought possible. I have celebrated victories and milestones that others never have to. I have walked a road I never knew existed. I will walk this road forever. I am a mommy to a CHD Angel ♥ iLy Kayden James

Wednesday, October 12, 2011

breakdown #1,000,000,000,000++++

I feel like ripping my freaking head off right now. I swear when it rains it pours, I feel like I'm stuck in the middle of a cat 5 hurricane plus....It NEVER ends. I don't see any sunshine in sight either. I don't want my business out there like that because I know how much people like to run their mouth. One day I hope to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I know God will never give us more than we can handle. But then again, I hope he didn't think Kayden was too much for me. He wasn't I would have done anything to have him here with me. I wish I could take his place. Sometimes it's still so unreal, I expect to see him walk out of his room or yell at me to get him more chips. I swear I feel like I'm going crazy some days. And half the time I have to hold everything in just to keep myself together through the day. I feel like I have no one to talk to anymore. I've practically shut myself away from EVERYONE except a few people. I'm sick to my stomach almost daily with all the stress on me. You know I know Kayden's gone, I know he is NEVER coming back. But sometimes I just want to sit somewhere for hours just to think about all the times we had together and just cry until I can't anymore and I can't do that. I can't because it rips me apart and I want to go grab him and give him a huge hug. And theres nothing I can do, and sometimes I can feel him around me I guess trying to comfort me. Surely he understands why I feel this way, I know there is no sadness in Heaven only happiness. But surely he now understands I'm human so it's normal I feel like this. I'll be so glad when the day comes I see my big man again. I would do anything just to go back in time. I keep going back to the last time I spent with him alive, I gave him a kiss and said love you bubby I'll see you in a few days. Little did I know right? I love music, I always have but anymore all it does is make me cry. I can't listen to anything anymore really. Some days I'm okay but most of the time I can't and anything that reminds me of Kayden I can't listen to it. I just have no idea what to do anymore. Night time is the worst. That's when my mind starts racing and everything hits me at once and it's so overwhelming.  I can honestly say I can almost see why people kill their selves after losing a child, because the pain never stops, NEVER. No I'll never kill myself because for one I don't have the balls to do it and number 2 because if I do I'll really never see Kayden again and 3 because Kayden would be so ashamed & I couldn't leave my other kids without a mommy. So no one has to worry about me going anywhere until it's my time to go. Anyways. Enough with this breakdown. I got a good cry out writing this and thinking of my baby boy and how much I wish I had him here to hold on to. So until the next breakdown, have a good night ♥

1 comment:

  1. I Don't Know How You Do It..I Know I Sure Couldn't..I Admire You ! You're An Amazing Mother & Friend..<3 You ! <3 Jaci & Family