I have handed my son over to surgeons knowing they would stop his heart, and prayed that it would beat again. I have learned more than I ever thought I could. I have cried more than I ever thought possible. I have celebrated victories and milestones that others never have to. I have walked a road I never knew existed. I will walk this road forever. I am a mommy to a CHD Angel ♥ iLy Kayden James

Saturday, October 8, 2011

Sweet Dreams little man ♥

I woke up this morning in tears. I had been dreaming about Kayden. This was the second one since he passed away, but this was longer and made me so happy to see & play with him. We were playing and having fun he was so happy, then we were in the hospital and I was crying and yelling at the doctors about everything that I still am so confused about. And I told them now I have to live the rest of my life without my baby because they were unsure. It felt so real, I could feel the tears running down my face one at a time and as one fell more followed. But it was so amazing seeing him and talking and playing with him. It's been almost 3 months since I've seen that sweet face. It's been longer than that since I've heard his cute little voice. My heart still aches my arms want to feel him and hold him. It'll be a good day but at the same time it'll be hard, because my dream wasn't reality. I'll never feel Kayden or hear Kayden again in this lifetime. You may say I'm crazy, but all I have to say is no I just lost my child, so if that makes me crazy so be it. But I've been seriously thinking okay so NO I WANT to and I am going to when we get tax money back to talk with a psychic medium. I haven't found one yet but I'm going to. I NEED to somehow be close to Kayden and connect with him. And no amount of doctors or crazy medicine is going to make this better. The only thing that will attempt to make me heal is to somehow 'hear' Kayden. And if that's what it takes so be it, I am crazy and I'll embrace the title. Lose your child and see how you feel and the things you want to do. Because yes I do want to be the best freaking person I can be so I do go to Heaven and will walk beside my son again. People don't understand what we feel like after we lose our kids. I know I couldn't relate to any of my friends who had lost their kid. So I don't expect anyone to understand, all I do know is if you say anything be a little considerate of our feelings. If you have something to say that you think may bother us...JUST DON'T SAY IT!

1 comment:

  1. I Love You Girlie..Always Have & Always Will..I'm Always A Text Or A Phone Call Away..<3 You..<3 Jaci & Family.