Strength.Courage.Hope: Sweet Dreams little man ♥

Saturday, October 8, 2011

Sweet Dreams little man ♥

I woke up this morning in tears. I had been dreaming about Kayden. This was the second one since he passed away, but this was longer and made me so happy to see & play with him. We were playing and having fun he was so happy, then we were in the hospital and I was crying and yelling at the doctors about everything that I still am so confused about. And I told them now I have to live the rest of my life without my baby because they were unsure. It felt so real, I could feel the tears running down my face one at a time and as one fell more followed. But it was so amazing seeing him and talking and playing with him. It's been almost 3 months since I've seen that sweet face. It's been longer than that since I've heard his cute little voice. My heart still aches my arms want to feel him and hold him. It'll be a good day but at the same time it'll be hard, because my dream wasn't reality. I'll never feel Kayden or hear Kayden again in this lifetime. You may say I'm crazy, but all I have to say is no I just lost my child, so if that makes me crazy so be it. But I've been seriously thinking okay so NO I WANT to and I am going to when we get tax money back to talk with a psychic medium. I haven't found one yet but I'm going to. I NEED to somehow be close to Kayden and connect with him. And no amount of doctors or crazy medicine is going to make this better. The only thing that will attempt to make me heal is to somehow 'hear' Kayden. And if that's what it takes so be it, I am crazy and I'll embrace the title. Lose your child and see how you feel and the things you want to do. Because yes I do want to be the best freaking person I can be so I do go to Heaven and will walk beside my son again. People don't understand what we feel like after we lose our kids. I know I couldn't relate to any of my friends who had lost their kid. So I don't expect anyone to understand, all I do know is if you say anything be a little considerate of our feelings. If you have something to say that you think may bother us...JUST DON'T SAY IT!

1 comment:

AnonymousOctober 28, 2011 at 1:47 AM
I Love You Girlie..Always Have & Always Will..I'm Always A Text Or A Phone Call Away..<3 You..<3 Jaci & Family.
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About Me

My name is Misty. I'm 26 years old from Roanoke, VA. I am a single mom to my little ones. I've got 5 kids. Alexis, Kayden, Tavion & Isaiah. Kayden is my little Angel, he went to live with the Angels July 14, 2011 waiting on a heart transplant, he was 3.5 years old. Alexis is my oldest she is almost 9, Tavion is 5, Isaiah is 4, and Elijah is 4 months. I enjoy reading, watching movies, blogging, quiet nights(when possible), and long drives listening to music. I started blogging to tell people about Kayden's journey with a broken heart, now it's about life with him as an Angel & how I deal and you'll also get to know my other little ones. You can also visit Kayden's page at www.kaydenjames.weebly.com or on facebook at www.facebook.com/KaydenJamesCHDAngel

My Family

Little Miss Lexi

Alexis is my first child & my only girl. She was born on February 9, 2006. I found out I was pregnant with Lexi 2 months after I had a miscarriage. I was quite surprised that I was pregnant but I was excited along with scared and nervous. She is the best big sister anyone could ask for. She helps with her brothers & she helps me if I need her to..She is a very smart little girl as well, right now she is in preschool. I can't believe my baby girl is almost in Kindergarten. It's true that time doesn't stop for nothing.

Superman

Kayden took his first breath on December 21, 2007 and took his last breath on July 14, 2011. Kayden was born with a bilateral cleft lip and palate, dilated cardiomyopathy & a displaced tricuspid valve with tricuspid regurgitation. He had 6 surgeries in his 3 1/2 years. He had 3 to complete his cleft lip/palate, pyloric stenosis at a month old, a preauricular cyst removed & open heart surgery on March 17, 2011. He always had a smile on his face no matter how many challenges were thrown his way. I miss my child more than anything in this world. I love Kayden more than words can ever say. I am broken and will never be repaired, he was my life & my heart is shattered since he lost his battle with his CHD. I'll never stop telling his story because people need to be aware of what is possible & I would like to think that Kayden's life will save another child.

Crazy Tavy

My middle boy, Tavion James. Tavion was born on May 13, 2009 at 37 weeks. He was my biggest yet shortest baby born lol! He is a handful right now he is at the age he wants to get into everything. Although he is small still he holds his ground and has an attitude. He is starting to get into the terrible twos which is never fun but we will survive. He's an amazing little boy and always keep us smiling. Tavion has no health problems that we've noticed and hopefully he continues to stay that way.

Superman's Baby

Isaiah James was welcomed into the world on December 16, 2010 at 3:02 a.m. He weighed 7 lbs 11 oz. & was 20 1/2 inches!! He had a head full of beautiful black hair (just like his sister did). Kayden absolutely loved him and called him his baby. He's so full of energy, loves his brothers and his sister.
My Rainbow

Elijah was born on August 22, 2014, he was 7 lbs 14.8 oz. He's an absolute blessing. Elijah is my rainbow baby, I was so unsure about having more kids after I lost Kayden, but now I see Kayden picked this little fella to send me. I couldn't imagine my life without him. His smile brightens up my darkest day.