I have handed my son over to surgeons knowing they would stop his heart, and prayed that it would beat again. I have learned more than I ever thought I could. I have cried more than I ever thought possible. I have celebrated victories and milestones that others never have to. I have walked a road I never knew existed. I will walk this road forever. I am a mommy to a CHD Angel ♥ iLy Kayden James

Thursday, January 19, 2012


It's weird how different things are for me now & how they changed within the last year. I mean a year ago, I was giving meds 3 times a day, I had doctor appointments out the behind, I had a newborn baby, and I was scared every time my son got sick. I don't know where I went wrong or if I did in the last year to make these things happen. If I didn't do something I should have I owe Kayden the apology because he isn't here! BUT shouldn't the doctors have known? YEA. I keep beating myself up over not pushing for UVa to send him to Boston when they said if his kidneys or liver failed he'd have to get to Boston somehow, for the Glenn to be taken down and put on ECMO. WHY DIDN'T I THINK OF THAT?! Would it have made a difference? We will never know. Can I think it would have?! NO I CAN NOT THINK IT WOULD! I'm miserable without him as it is, and thinking if I did this or that then Kayman would be here today, that just makes it worse! I HAVE to believe for my sanity that I did everything I could for him and that God wanted him to come home ♥ I have to believe that and build my faith on it. I will trust that it was God's will, I will trust that God will not take us before our time, if it weren't his time, God would have helped Kayden's heart keep beating. I can not believe his life was ALL in the doctors hands. I must believe it was in Gods hands. 

I don't like this life I'm living today, I wish it were a year ago so I could be with Kayden. I love my other kids yes, and that aspect of my life i LOVE. BUT I miss my son every day and every second. You may pass me in the store or see me driving or walking, you may think I'm a normal person from looking, little do you know. I'm suffering on the inside, my heart is shattered and yes it's true I do have half a heart because my heart is torn between 2 worlds, Heaven & Earth. I have a little love in Heaven waiting for me & I can't wait until I see that smiling face again, but yet I've got 3 little loves here on Earth who I love so dearly and who will brighten my days when I'm down ♥

I hope some day a mom who is down on something in here life, will read this blog or through all of my blogs, and realize. There is HOPE after the most horrible thing God puts us through. We can make it, we will make it. I am no where near the end of my journey without my baby, but I must say that I'm trying to turn my life around and find who I am again. I will miss who I was but that part of me went to Heaven the morning Kayden left this world ♥ goodnight & love you all ♥

No comments:

Post a Comment