Strength.Courage.Hope: Differences.

Thursday, January 19, 2012

Differences.

It's weird how different things are for me now & how they changed within the last year. I mean a year ago, I was giving meds 3 times a day, I had doctor appointments out the behind, I had a newborn baby, and I was scared every time my son got sick. I don't know where I went wrong or if I did in the last year to make these things happen. If I didn't do something I should have I owe Kayden the apology because he isn't here! BUT shouldn't the doctors have known? YEA. I keep beating myself up over not pushing for UVa to send him to Boston when they said if his kidneys or liver failed he'd have to get to Boston somehow, for the Glenn to be taken down and put on ECMO. WHY DIDN'T I THINK OF THAT?! Would it have made a difference? We will never know. Can I think it would have?! NO I CAN NOT THINK IT WOULD! I'm miserable without him as it is, and thinking if I did this or that then Kayman would be here today, that just makes it worse! I HAVE to believe for my sanity that I did everything I could for him and that God wanted him to come home ♥ I have to believe that and build my faith on it. I will trust that it was God's will, I will trust that God will not take us before our time, if it weren't his time, God would have helped Kayden's heart keep beating. I can not believe his life was ALL in the doctors hands. I must believe it was in Gods hands.

I don't like this life I'm living today, I wish it were a year ago so I could be with Kayden. I love my other kids yes, and that aspect of my life i LOVE. BUT I miss my son every day and every second. You may pass me in the store or see me driving or walking, you may think I'm a normal person from looking, little do you know. I'm suffering on the inside, my heart is shattered and yes it's true I do have half a heart because my heart is torn between 2 worlds, Heaven & Earth. I have a little love in Heaven waiting for me & I can't wait until I see that smiling face again, but yet I've got 3 little loves here on Earth who I love so dearly and who will brighten my days when I'm down ♥

I hope some day a mom who is down on something in here life, will read this blog or through all of my blogs, and realize. There is HOPE after the most horrible thing God puts us through. We can make it, we will make it. I am no where near the end of my journey without my baby, but I must say that I'm trying to turn my life around and find who I am again. I will miss who I was but that part of me went to Heaven the morning Kayden left this world ♥ goodnight & love you all ♥

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About Me

My name is Misty. I'm 26 years old from Roanoke, VA. I am a single mom to my little ones. I've got 5 kids. Alexis, Kayden, Tavion & Isaiah. Kayden is my little Angel, he went to live with the Angels July 14, 2011 waiting on a heart transplant, he was 3.5 years old. Alexis is my oldest she is almost 9, Tavion is 5, Isaiah is 4, and Elijah is 4 months. I enjoy reading, watching movies, blogging, quiet nights(when possible), and long drives listening to music. I started blogging to tell people about Kayden's journey with a broken heart, now it's about life with him as an Angel & how I deal and you'll also get to know my other little ones. You can also visit Kayden's page at www.kaydenjames.weebly.com or on facebook at www.facebook.com/KaydenJamesCHDAngel

My Family

Little Miss Lexi

Alexis is my first child & my only girl. She was born on February 9, 2006. I found out I was pregnant with Lexi 2 months after I had a miscarriage. I was quite surprised that I was pregnant but I was excited along with scared and nervous. She is the best big sister anyone could ask for. She helps with her brothers & she helps me if I need her to..She is a very smart little girl as well, right now she is in preschool. I can't believe my baby girl is almost in Kindergarten. It's true that time doesn't stop for nothing.

Superman

Kayden took his first breath on December 21, 2007 and took his last breath on July 14, 2011. Kayden was born with a bilateral cleft lip and palate, dilated cardiomyopathy & a displaced tricuspid valve with tricuspid regurgitation. He had 6 surgeries in his 3 1/2 years. He had 3 to complete his cleft lip/palate, pyloric stenosis at a month old, a preauricular cyst removed & open heart surgery on March 17, 2011. He always had a smile on his face no matter how many challenges were thrown his way. I miss my child more than anything in this world. I love Kayden more than words can ever say. I am broken and will never be repaired, he was my life & my heart is shattered since he lost his battle with his CHD. I'll never stop telling his story because people need to be aware of what is possible & I would like to think that Kayden's life will save another child.

Crazy Tavy

My middle boy, Tavion James. Tavion was born on May 13, 2009 at 37 weeks. He was my biggest yet shortest baby born lol! He is a handful right now he is at the age he wants to get into everything. Although he is small still he holds his ground and has an attitude. He is starting to get into the terrible twos which is never fun but we will survive. He's an amazing little boy and always keep us smiling. Tavion has no health problems that we've noticed and hopefully he continues to stay that way.

Superman's Baby

Isaiah James was welcomed into the world on December 16, 2010 at 3:02 a.m. He weighed 7 lbs 11 oz. & was 20 1/2 inches!! He had a head full of beautiful black hair (just like his sister did). Kayden absolutely loved him and called him his baby. He's so full of energy, loves his brothers and his sister.
My Rainbow

Elijah was born on August 22, 2014, he was 7 lbs 14.8 oz. He's an absolute blessing. Elijah is my rainbow baby, I was so unsure about having more kids after I lost Kayden, but now I see Kayden picked this little fella to send me. I couldn't imagine my life without him. His smile brightens up my darkest day.