I have handed my son over to surgeons knowing they would stop his heart, and prayed that it would beat again. I have learned more than I ever thought I could. I have cried more than I ever thought possible. I have celebrated victories and milestones that others never have to. I have walked a road I never knew existed. I will walk this road forever. I am a mommy to a CHD Angel ♥ iLy Kayden James

Saturday, January 28, 2012

Only God knows why..

Tonight I'm reliving the most awful night of my life as I hear of another little heart baby who earned his Angel wings tonight. My heart is breaking for them. Every time I hear about another Angel going to Heaven, I relive that night. I can't get through this blog without crying, and I've already started lol. Oh well, one thing I've learnt is don't hold it in because it'll overflow and be much worse when it does.
I don't know why he chose Kayden, but I do know he did choose him, he didn't take him for no reason. Kayden was an Angel from day 1 of my pregnancy. He fought a hard battle and in the end I don't think he lost, if going to Heaven is losing the fight, then Heaven wouldn't be a good place to go right? But Heaven is beautiful and I can picture my little love running through the fields of flowers playing with Heaven's littlest Angels, or sitting in the grass under the sun with my grandpa. This little boy who went to Heaven this evening was already a few months post transplant. So if you've been reading my blog or you know me personally you already know but for those who are maybe just skipping through blogs and came across mine, Kayden was waiting on a heart transplant. 
This is proof that transplant is not a cure for heart disease/heart defects. I will NEVER EVER EVER EVER EVVVVER be thankful Kayden isn't here, but I am thankful God did not put me through the pain of losing him AFTER transplant. I have said over and over and will one more time if he still went to Heaven after transplant, that would be so much harder, because that's the last option, after transplant there is NOTHING to try to save our kids. Heaven is our home, that is where we all belong. God truly only takes the best I believe that. But even more I believe only the good die young. That is probably why this world is in such bad shape. Because all of the good people like our children who would have grown up to be great men or women have died. they went to Heaven and are shining down waiting on their families to join them.

I tell my mom all the time, when she is on her death bed, I'm sure I'll be right there beside her, and if she's in her right mind, I want her to tell me if she sees Kayden. Even if she just says his name. I want to know he's there when she goes, that way I'll know when I'm on mine, I'll have him right there and I know she'll be right beside him. It was always me, Kayden & Nana (my mom). ALWAYS. When I wasn't with that baby, she was. So as I end this tonight with tears running down my face and a broken heart I want you to stop and think. CHD kills so many kids, so many of you think transplant is a cure. THERE IS NO CURE AND THERE IS SO LITTLE AWARENESS. Are YOU ready to help us raise awareness yet?! We need the research so the doctors can help our kids better!! Fly high to all of our little Heart Hero Angels ♥ ♥

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