I have handed my son over to surgeons knowing they would stop his heart, and prayed that it would beat again. I have learned more than I ever thought I could. I have cried more than I ever thought possible. I have celebrated victories and milestones that others never have to. I have walked a road I never knew existed. I will walk this road forever. I am a mommy to a CHD Angel ♥ iLy Kayden James

Thursday, January 26, 2012

Ohh 2012..

So this is kinda a random blog but I figured I'd post it anyways lol. So far this year has been a little of everything, good, bad, sad, etc. Today I got a new phone. Yea big deal you say. Well it is and it was hard for me, Kayden LOVED playing with my blackberry, I have all kinda pics of him on my memory card and videos as well. I miss that boy so much, and that phone has been in a lot of hospitals with us. It's been along way through out Kayden's journey. So I think I might be putting it up with his things. That way I'll always have it as the last phone I had that Kayden loved ♥ I've had a few good days so far but a few bad ones. I sometimes don't know how to keep going and I get confused, like where's he at?! That someone is missing feeling. I get that all the time, it's hard because I know it'll stick with me forever. I know a lot of people say oh it gets easier, blah blah. NO it's not gotten easier and I think it'll always be like this for me. I love that boy with all of my heart, Kayden was not a normal child, and I think that's hard for some people to understand, he truly was not like any other child, he never was. So I don't think life will be anything but this. No I'm not depressed all the time, NO I'm not in a fantasy world thinking he'll be back in a month. I know he's never coming back, but I do know I'll see him again. I do know I feel him around me sometimes. BUT I still miss him and I still want him here with me.

I get so pissed when I see other moms with a sick child out here partying, or leaving their baby with someone else. I mean that just erks my nerves because I didn't do that shit with Kayden. IF I had to leave him it wasn't for long and it was something important, like appointments he could go to, or even getting Alexis & Lyndsee from school. I mean I didn't just leave him to go shopping or to go out drinking. And it just aggravates me and I have to question WHY DID HE TAKE KAYDEN?! I LOVED AND STILL DO LOVE HIM SO MUCH I'D DIE. I mean if I could have I would have gave that baby MY HEART! I really would have I wouldn't have thought about it!

I have came to the conclusion, I will always feel angry sometimes, I will have happy days and sad days. I will have days where I just can't hardly breathe because the pain has overtaken me. BUT one thing I do know is I WILL make it through this until it's my time to go. I will come out a survivor just like MY SON ♥ ily Kayden James ♥

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