I have handed my son over to surgeons knowing they would stop his heart, and prayed that it would beat again. I have learned more than I ever thought I could. I have cried more than I ever thought possible. I have celebrated victories and milestones that others never have to. I have walked a road I never knew existed. I will walk this road forever. I am a mommy to a CHD Angel ♥ iLy Kayden James

Saturday, January 7, 2012

Almost 6 months..

UGH! So January 14 will be Kayden's 6 month Angelversary =[..My heart still hurts, my arms still ache to hold him. On New years I got his Mickey Mouse pillow and gave it a BIG squeeze!! That's one of few things that was with him up until he took his final breath.

A little light into my life in the last 6 months.
I've had a lot of breakdowns, I've felt different emotions, all the way from jealousy all the way to hate all the way to love & sadness.
♥Yea, when I see some people post about their kids how well they are or about them getting a new heart, at first I did get so upset and a little jealous because it should have been ME posting that about my child!! WHY CAN'T I SAY YAYY KAYDEN'S DOING GREAT OR OMG HE GOT A HEART?!?!?! I mean REALLY? How could anyone expect any thing else from me or other Angel parents?
♥Hate! YES I HATE CHD! I HATE CARDIOMYOPATHY!! It killed my son, it took him from me, I will never ever ever see him until I am in Heaven!! I hate the CHD affects so many kids every day, I HATE how many kids I've seen die in the last 6 months because of a heart condition. Yet NO one wants to speak of it or bring awareness or raise funds for the Children's Heart Foundation.
♥Love! Kayden showed me how to love unconditionally. No matter what one is going through love them, love will always be greater than ANYTHING! I've tried to be a better mom to my other kids since Kayden's been gone. I tell them how much I love them every chance I get! I've grown to love moms I've never met because we are connected because of this awful killer who is attacking our children!
♥Sadness! I've felt the worst kind of pain anyone should ever feel. I lost my baby & I live with this sadness daily. But yet I have to learn to control the emotion and to hide the sadness at the times that I can't show it. Some people understand others don't.

You see we are all just a heartbeat away from death. I've learned that. No one taught me that except for when I lost my son. A part of me died with him, he took half of my heart literally. But Kayden will ALWAYS live on through me, he IS A PART OF ME. Although I can not physically touch him, hold him, or hear him. I KNOW he is there. I said this shortly after Kayden passed. But I believe we as mother's carry our babies and we have that connection between our child before birth, after birth, and now I believe even after death. ♥