Somewhere...

Somewhere today a mother is holding her child's lifeless body for the last time. Somewhere today a mother is hugging her child before they head in for surgery. Somewhere today a family gets the phone call they've waited for. Somewhere today a mother is missing her child who's now an Angel. One thing all these people have in common, they are all affected by a heart defect. They are all praying, praying for hope and praying for the strength to get through this awful journey.

I am one of those who misses their Angel, it's almost been 3 months since I held my little boy & cried over him. Kissing his cold head telling him, it'll be okay now he's in God's hands & no longer hurting. My heart breaks for the families who are being told today their baby will have a heart defect. It breaks for the family that's praying while the doctors are trying to bring their child back. My heart is shattered and will always be from hearing the words 'he's gone' they haunt me. I never wanted to hear it NEVER. I miss my baby more than anything and I would do anything to see & hear him. As I was looking through pictures the other night from Boston, I can still remember all of that like it was yesterday, I can still feel Kayden's hand holding mine...I talked to him and told him he's gunna be okay once I seen him. This pain is horrible. It'll never go away I'll learn to live with it eventually but it seems to be getting worse. Each day that passes seems like more of a struggle to get through. Sure you can say I have more kids. They still are not Kayden, they can never take his place. They are the reason I keep going though, I know they need me so it's worth getting up in the morning. I just don't understand why some kids get the second chance at living and others don't..Kayden fought so hard and it's NOT FAIR, he didn't make it. I hate heart defects. They are killing our kids, and it makes me sick how many kids don't make it..Just pray you never ever ever have to feel this pain that I & so many others deal with daily.

livejournal

If any of you guys reading my blog have livejournal add me. It's another blog site which i'm finally starting to get the hang on lol! I love it because I use to do a lot of designing on myspace, as you can see from my layout I did it. Well I love animation and blinkies so I made a community on there as well where I'm going to my designing...So if you love icons & blinkies or whatever it may be come join me on livejournal as well =]

www.lilsmile2906.livejournal.com

www.eternity-love12.livejournal.com

Br0k3n into pieces

Well, I don't know exactly what it was that just hit me. I was watching commercials after the movie I was watching went off and all of a sudden I started crying and missing my baby more. I've been missing him SOO much today. It's been a hard day, I guess because I heard about the 2 CHDers today one earned his wings and the other got his second chance at life. My heart breaks to pieces every time I hear either...Don't get me wrong I am so happy they get another chance but it's hard to hear because I can't help but feel the aggravation and frustration and say WHY THE HELL DIDN'T MY CHILD GET THAT CHANCE! Kayden barely had the chance to fight for a heart...I can't help but feel s sense of failure on my part.I should have told them after Boston put him on the transplant list, I knew since November it would come to it eventually...I should have pushed it more but no I thought the surgery would be good...September 17 was 6 months since my baby had his open heart surgery, he was suppose to go back to Boston this month and we were gunna talk about repairing his tricuspid valve futher...but Kayden didn't get that chance. And I'm here with an empty hole in my chest that will never close...I'm broken, broken to pieces and I will never be the same I'll never be healed again. I'm a mess some days and right now I'm falling apart and I have no one to turn to I feel like. No one could possibly understand unless they've went through this. It's harder knowing I'll wake up tomorrow and the rest of my life to Kayden not being there...I miss him so much it's ripping me apart....I just try to hide it but sometimes it doesn't work and I have to fall apart...People say I'm so strong...no I'm not strong, each day is a living hell it's a nightmare I get up each day for the other kids and that's all...if the world ends in 2012 I can't say that I'd be sad...I would be okay because I would then get to see my kid again..but I don't think it's gunna end..no one can predict that, only God knows when that day will come. Ugh I just don't even know what to do anymore....

I wonder...

I use to always say I wonder where we would be a year from now, when I had my big man. Now I just wonder what my life has in store for me. Sometimes I don't feel like there is anything at all here for me but then i look at my kids and know that's what I'm here for. I wonder what job I'll have in the next 5 yrs because hopefully by then i'll be graduated I'm kinda stuck between getting into the medical field like pharmacy for now or just finishing my paralegal degree. Why are these decisions so hard? I've made harder ones. I wonder if I'll ever get married I know I don't want to have anymore kids. I just can't do that after Kayden....I mean if I was single the rest of my life oh well, I don't think it would hurt my feelings. I've had enough heartache for a lifetime. I've been lied to and cheated on more than enough. But sometimes, all I need is someone there. Today has been a hard day to get through, I've cried at the drop of a hat. I wrote Kayden's stroy for a friend of mine who is writing a book on CHD and CDH and she is including stories in it. It breaks my heart because I'm a survivor of a CDH but my baby is an Angel because of a CHD. One thing I know is Kayden will be with me no matter what path I take for the rest of my life. I do know God is taking care of my baby boy and he will hold him until I'm there to hold him again.

Keep Faith & Never Give up Hope

That is all I've lived by basically in the past year...well 3.5 years...Kayden was such an inspiration, I love being around him. He was a child of few words...He knew how to talk but he didn't talk a lot. He sure got his point across though lol. I kept my faith through everything he went through, from his pyloric stenosis surgery all the way until the last time I saw him. I never gave up hope even up until that last second before I walked into his room and saw my mom holding him. I couldn't bring myself to believe my big man was gone. I miss him so much every single day. Today September 14 makes it 2 months since my little boy went to Heaven to become an Angel. It seems like it's been forever since I've seen his sweet little face and heard his cute little voice, but at the same time I'm just like ugh it's only been 2 months....I hate thinking of how long I have without him, I miss him more and more each day. I don't care how many times you people say it, it does not get easier. It will NEVER get easier so STOP telling me that. What it is, is I learn to control the emotions and deal with the pain and the hurt I feel. Kayden was too different he was not a normal child and I will continue to say that until I die. He was so special and he changed my life as well as anyone who knew him. I learned patience with Kayden, I know now as well that it doesn't matter how old you are or how young you are, when God wants you home he will call you home. I lived with death daily for the past year. Worrying if I'd wake up and my child wouldn't be breathing. I would go to his room just to watch him breathe. I fell apart when I saw him in my moms arms that morning. I wanted to die myself just to be with him. But once I got myself under control I knew I had the other little ones to worry about as well..I'll be with Kayden when it's my time.I still to this day and as long as I live I will live by keeping Faith and never giving up hope. Once you lose your faith you lose everything.
Miss you big man I love you so much <3

It wasn't suppose to be him...

I can't help but still feel like that. I feel like I'm going freaking crazy half the time because I'll be doing something and all of a sudden I'm like aww I can't wait to go see Kayden today and tell him. Then it's like you idiot Misty he isn't here you can't SEE him. So my way of it is going to the cemetery daily and talking to him to keep me sane. And not to mention sitting on his bed and talking to him or walking around the house. I really feel like I've lost it. I talk to him like he's here all the time. I miss him so much it is just unbelievable. I don't think anyone knows well let me restate that. I KNOW no one knows the pain I feel every single day unless you have walked this road of hell. Losing a child is the absolute worst thing in this world. I hate coming home to the empty bed, the toys not touched, the un opened hot wheels cars and the clothes that still have tags because he never got to wear them. I cry daily, I scream daily, I would probably sit in a corner like a fetus and cry the rest of my life if I could..I go on because I have to. I've got 3 other kids here who do need em, no not as much as my little man needed me. But they do need me so I have to go on for them. But when I'm alone or now for instance while Lexi is in school. It's me, Tavion & Isaiah. It's hard because Kayden should be right next to me watching Spongebob or Dora or Team Ummi Zoomie...did I even spell that right lol! I miss him SO much it hurts. I feel like I've got a huge hole in me that will not close, the ache in my chest I try to control it but sometimes I can't and it hurts so much. I'm not even kidding either it REALLY aches I hurt I miss him so much. But one thing is for sure I'm no longer afraid to die. I'll be with my baby boy again <3

I'm getting old...

I haven't really updated much about the other babies. So here is a little of what they're up to...Alexis had her kindergarten orientation on the first. Her teacher is really nice & actually went to school with my sister lol how weird is that lol!! I feel so old I remember my first day of kindergarten so it's weird to think wow Alexis is going to remember this day in like 20 years haha. Tavion is good, he's getting a cold already and it's barely even fall or is it fall yet LOL..So this should be an interesting winter. I first thought it was allergies because he has them BAD but his allergy medicine isn't working and now he's getting a cough as well that's not sounding too great. He's still mean as ever. He gets up all the time at night, he doesn't like to sleep in his room by his self. He misses Kayden. Soo we have figured a way out to put Isaiah in their room without taking Kayden's stuff out of there! So we'll do that soon....Isaiah on the other hand is almost 9 months old and he is trying his best to walk! He's pulling up and he'll walk with me if I take is hands and walk with him. He's also getting a cold booooo =[. He stayed sick a lot last winter I was hoping his immune system would be better this year since he's older, but I'm kind of worried now. It's so weird with them having a cold because I'm like oh it's no big deal look what Kayden went through. But I know a cold can always turn into worse. So for now it's just watching it and hoping it doesn't get bad. Yesterday, the kids were playing in the boys' room and Isaiah crawled in there and he went to Kayden's bed and pulled up. He was so happy he was smiling and everything. He hasn't been like that in awhile so I about wanted to cry because I didn't know what he was seeing or what was going through his mind. Kayden loved Isaiah he was probably his favorite. And Isaiah really calmed down after he was in there. I got a picture of it but I haven't put it on my computer yet so I'll share it soon!! Everyday is still hard to get through. I feel like I'm putting one foot in front of the other and not really paying attention to what I'm doing. I miss that kid so so so SO much. I just want to hold him and wrap my arms around him and never ever let him go.