I have handed my son over to surgeons knowing they would stop his heart, and prayed that it would beat again. I have learned more than I ever thought I could. I have cried more than I ever thought possible. I have celebrated victories and milestones that others never have to. I have walked a road I never knew existed. I will walk this road forever. I am a mommy to a CHD Angel ♥ iLy Kayden James

Friday, September 9, 2011

It wasn't suppose to be him...

I can't help but still feel like that. I feel like I'm going freaking crazy half the time because I'll be doing something and all of a sudden I'm like aww I can't wait to go see Kayden today and tell him. Then it's like you idiot Misty he isn't here you can't SEE him. So my way of it is going to the cemetery daily and talking to him to keep me sane. And not to mention sitting on his bed and talking to him or walking around the house. I really feel like I've lost it. I talk to him like he's here all the time. I miss him so much it is just unbelievable. I don't think anyone knows well let me restate that. I KNOW no one knows the pain I feel every single day unless you have walked this road of hell. Losing a child is the absolute worst thing in this world. I hate coming home to the empty bed, the toys not touched, the un opened hot wheels cars and the clothes that still have tags because he never got to wear them. I cry daily, I scream daily, I would probably sit in a corner like a fetus and cry the rest of my life if I could..I go on because I have to. I've got 3 other kids here who do need em, no not as much as my little man needed me. But they do need me so I have to go on for them. But when I'm alone or now for instance while Lexi is in school. It's me, Tavion & Isaiah. It's hard because Kayden should be right next to me watching Spongebob or Dora or Team Ummi Zoomie...did I even spell that right lol! I miss him SO much it hurts. I feel like I've got a huge hole in me that will not close, the ache in my chest I try to control it but sometimes I can't and it hurts so much. I'm not even kidding either it REALLY aches I hurt I miss him so much. But one thing is for sure I'm no longer afraid to die. I'll be with my baby boy again <3

1 comment:

  1. Awwwwww..I Still Don't UnderStand Why Kayden?The Most Innocent Baby In This Entire World..Why Him?I Read Your Posts & I Sit & Cry & Cry & Hate MySelf For Living So Far Away From My Kids..All Because My Soon To Be Ex Husband's A JackAss & I Can't Live In The Same State As Them Or Else I'll Get Killed & Then My Daughters Will Have NO Mother..It's Bad Enough They Have NO Fathers!I Wished I Could Be Right There By Your Side..I Can't Begin To Imagine What You're Going Through..I Can't Begin To UnderStand Your Pain Or Just How Lost You Are..
    You Have Every Right To Be The Way You Are..I've Never Lost A Child.So I'll Never UnderStand You Pain..BUT..I Don't Think It's Fair That People Judge You & Tell You.."Oh Get Over It & Move On"..You Just Can't Get Over The Loss Of Your OWN Child..
    I Love You Very Much Misty & All Those Babies & I'm Here Always..If You Ever Need ANYTHING..I Don't Care What It Is..Ask!& If I Can Help,Donate..WhatEver..I Will Do WHATEVER I Have To..To Make Sure That You,Those Babies & Your Mom & Family Can Have The Best ThanksGiving & ChristMas & All The Remaining Holidays For The Rest Of Your Lives..Even Though It's WithOut Kayden!I Wished I Could Bring Him Back ! SomeOne Needs That Damn Magic Wand!
    Love You All Always..Love Jaci