I have handed my son over to surgeons knowing they would stop his heart, and prayed that it would beat again. I have learned more than I ever thought I could. I have cried more than I ever thought possible. I have celebrated victories and milestones that others never have to. I have walked a road I never knew existed. I will walk this road forever. I am a mommy to a CHD Angel ♥ iLy Kayden James

Tuesday, September 13, 2011

Keep Faith & Never Give up Hope

That is all I've lived by basically in the past year...well 3.5 years...Kayden was such an inspiration, I love being around him. He was a child of few words...He knew how to talk but he didn't talk a lot. He sure got his point across though lol. I kept my faith through everything he went through, from his pyloric stenosis surgery all the way until the last time I saw him. I never gave up hope even up until that last second before I walked into his room and saw my mom holding him. I couldn't bring myself to believe my big man was gone. I miss him so much every single day. Today September 14 makes it 2 months since my little boy went to Heaven to become an Angel. It seems like it's been forever since I've seen his sweet little face and heard his cute little voice, but at the same time I'm just like ugh it's only been 2 months....I hate thinking of how long I have without him, I miss him more and more each day. I don't care how many times you people say it, it does not get easier. It will NEVER get easier so STOP telling me that. What it is, is I learn to control the emotions and deal with the pain and the hurt I feel. Kayden was too different he was not a normal child and I will continue to say that until I die. He was so special and he changed my life as well as anyone who knew him. I learned patience with Kayden, I know now as well that it doesn't matter how old you are or how young you are, when God wants you home he will call you home. I lived with death daily for the past year. Worrying if I'd wake up and my child wouldn't be breathing. I would go to his room just to watch him breathe. I fell apart when I saw him in my moms arms that morning. I wanted to die myself just to be with him. But once I got myself under control I knew I had the other little ones to worry about as well..I'll be with Kayden when it's my time.I still to this day and as long as I live I will live by keeping Faith and never giving up hope. Once you lose your faith you lose everything.
Miss you big man I love you so much <3

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