I have handed my son over to surgeons knowing they would stop his heart, and prayed that it would beat again. I have learned more than I ever thought I could. I have cried more than I ever thought possible. I have celebrated victories and milestones that others never have to. I have walked a road I never knew existed. I will walk this road forever. I am a mommy to a CHD Angel ♥ iLy Kayden James

Friday, September 16, 2011

I wonder...

I use to always say I wonder where we would be a year from now, when I had my big man. Now I just wonder what my life has in store for me. Sometimes I don't feel like there is anything at all here for me but then i look at my kids and know that's what I'm here for. I wonder what job I'll have in the next 5 yrs because hopefully by then i'll be graduated I'm kinda stuck between getting into the medical field like pharmacy for now or just finishing my paralegal degree. Why are these decisions so hard? I've made harder ones. I wonder if I'll ever get married I know I don't want to have anymore kids. I just can't do that after Kayden....I mean if I was single the rest of my life oh well, I don't think it would hurt my feelings. I've had enough heartache for a lifetime. I've been lied to and cheated on more than enough. But sometimes, all I need is someone there. Today has been a hard day to get through, I've cried at the drop of a hat. I wrote Kayden's stroy for a friend of mine who is writing a book on CHD and CDH and she is including stories in it. It breaks my heart because I'm a survivor of a CDH but my baby is an Angel because of a CHD. One thing I know is Kayden will be with me no matter what path I take for the rest of my life. I do know God is taking care of my baby boy and he will hold him until I'm there to hold him again.

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