I have handed my son over to surgeons knowing they would stop his heart, and prayed that it would beat again. I have learned more than I ever thought I could. I have cried more than I ever thought possible. I have celebrated victories and milestones that others never have to. I have walked a road I never knew existed. I will walk this road forever. I am a mommy to a CHD Angel ♥ iLy Kayden James

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

Br0k3n into pieces

Well, I don't know exactly what it was that just hit me. I was watching commercials after the movie I was watching went off and all of a sudden I started crying and missing my baby more. I've been missing him SOO much today. It's been a hard day, I guess because I heard about the 2 CHDers today one earned his wings and the other got his second chance at life. My heart breaks to pieces every time I hear either...Don't get me wrong I am so happy they get another chance but it's hard to hear because I can't help but feel the aggravation and frustration and say WHY THE HELL DIDN'T MY CHILD GET THAT CHANCE! Kayden barely had the chance to fight for a heart...I can't help but feel s sense of failure on my part.I should have told them after Boston put him on the transplant list, I knew since November it would come to it eventually...I should have pushed it more but no I thought the surgery would be good...September 17 was 6 months since my baby had his open heart surgery, he was suppose to go back to Boston this month and we were gunna talk about repairing his tricuspid valve futher...but Kayden didn't get that chance. And I'm here with an empty hole in my chest that will never close...I'm broken, broken to pieces and I will never be the same I'll never be healed again. I'm a mess some days and right now I'm falling apart and I have no one to turn to I feel like. No one could possibly understand unless they've went through this. It's harder knowing I'll wake up tomorrow and the rest of my life to Kayden not being there...I miss him so much it's ripping me apart....I just try to hide it but sometimes it doesn't work and I have to fall apart...People say I'm so strong...no I'm not strong, each day is a living hell it's a nightmare I get up each day for the other kids and that's all...if the world ends in 2012 I can't say that I'd be sad...I would be okay because I would then get to see my kid again..but I don't think it's gunna end..no one can predict that, only God knows when that day will come. Ugh I just don't even know what to do anymore....

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