Strength.Courage.Hope: Br0k3n into pieces

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

Br0k3n into pieces

Well, I don't know exactly what it was that just hit me. I was watching commercials after the movie I was watching went off and all of a sudden I started crying and missing my baby more. I've been missing him SOO much today. It's been a hard day, I guess because I heard about the 2 CHDers today one earned his wings and the other got his second chance at life. My heart breaks to pieces every time I hear either...Don't get me wrong I am so happy they get another chance but it's hard to hear because I can't help but feel the aggravation and frustration and say WHY THE HELL DIDN'T MY CHILD GET THAT CHANCE! Kayden barely had the chance to fight for a heart...I can't help but feel s sense of failure on my part.I should have told them after Boston put him on the transplant list, I knew since November it would come to it eventually...I should have pushed it more but no I thought the surgery would be good...September 17 was 6 months since my baby had his open heart surgery, he was suppose to go back to Boston this month and we were gunna talk about repairing his tricuspid valve futher...but Kayden didn't get that chance. And I'm here with an empty hole in my chest that will never close...I'm broken, broken to pieces and I will never be the same I'll never be healed again. I'm a mess some days and right now I'm falling apart and I have no one to turn to I feel like. No one could possibly understand unless they've went through this. It's harder knowing I'll wake up tomorrow and the rest of my life to Kayden not being there...I miss him so much it's ripping me apart....I just try to hide it but sometimes it doesn't work and I have to fall apart...People say I'm so strong...no I'm not strong, each day is a living hell it's a nightmare I get up each day for the other kids and that's all...if the world ends in 2012 I can't say that I'd be sad...I would be okay because I would then get to see my kid again..but I don't think it's gunna end..no one can predict that, only God knows when that day will come. Ugh I just don't even know what to do anymore....

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About Me

My name is Misty. I'm 26 years old from Roanoke, VA. I am a single mom to my little ones. I've got 5 kids. Alexis, Kayden, Tavion & Isaiah. Kayden is my little Angel, he went to live with the Angels July 14, 2011 waiting on a heart transplant, he was 3.5 years old. Alexis is my oldest she is almost 9, Tavion is 5, Isaiah is 4, and Elijah is 4 months. I enjoy reading, watching movies, blogging, quiet nights(when possible), and long drives listening to music. I started blogging to tell people about Kayden's journey with a broken heart, now it's about life with him as an Angel & how I deal and you'll also get to know my other little ones. You can also visit Kayden's page at www.kaydenjames.weebly.com or on facebook at www.facebook.com/KaydenJamesCHDAngel

My Family

Little Miss Lexi

Alexis is my first child & my only girl. She was born on February 9, 2006. I found out I was pregnant with Lexi 2 months after I had a miscarriage. I was quite surprised that I was pregnant but I was excited along with scared and nervous. She is the best big sister anyone could ask for. She helps with her brothers & she helps me if I need her to..She is a very smart little girl as well, right now she is in preschool. I can't believe my baby girl is almost in Kindergarten. It's true that time doesn't stop for nothing.

Superman

Kayden took his first breath on December 21, 2007 and took his last breath on July 14, 2011. Kayden was born with a bilateral cleft lip and palate, dilated cardiomyopathy & a displaced tricuspid valve with tricuspid regurgitation. He had 6 surgeries in his 3 1/2 years. He had 3 to complete his cleft lip/palate, pyloric stenosis at a month old, a preauricular cyst removed & open heart surgery on March 17, 2011. He always had a smile on his face no matter how many challenges were thrown his way. I miss my child more than anything in this world. I love Kayden more than words can ever say. I am broken and will never be repaired, he was my life & my heart is shattered since he lost his battle with his CHD. I'll never stop telling his story because people need to be aware of what is possible & I would like to think that Kayden's life will save another child.

Crazy Tavy

My middle boy, Tavion James. Tavion was born on May 13, 2009 at 37 weeks. He was my biggest yet shortest baby born lol! He is a handful right now he is at the age he wants to get into everything. Although he is small still he holds his ground and has an attitude. He is starting to get into the terrible twos which is never fun but we will survive. He's an amazing little boy and always keep us smiling. Tavion has no health problems that we've noticed and hopefully he continues to stay that way.

Superman's Baby

Isaiah James was welcomed into the world on December 16, 2010 at 3:02 a.m. He weighed 7 lbs 11 oz. & was 20 1/2 inches!! He had a head full of beautiful black hair (just like his sister did). Kayden absolutely loved him and called him his baby. He's so full of energy, loves his brothers and his sister.
My Rainbow

Elijah was born on August 22, 2014, he was 7 lbs 14.8 oz. He's an absolute blessing. Elijah is my rainbow baby, I was so unsure about having more kids after I lost Kayden, but now I see Kayden picked this little fella to send me. I couldn't imagine my life without him. His smile brightens up my darkest day.