I have handed my son over to surgeons knowing they would stop his heart, and prayed that it would beat again. I have learned more than I ever thought I could. I have cried more than I ever thought possible. I have celebrated victories and milestones that others never have to. I have walked a road I never knew existed. I will walk this road forever. I am a mommy to a CHD Angel ♥ iLy Kayden James

Tuesday, December 20, 2011

Struggles Make us Stronger

Today we took the toys to UVa that I've been getting from different people and buying myself. We did this to honor Kayden for his 4th birthday which is tomorrow (December 21). I was nervous about it, because I didn't know what to expect going into the PICU. I mean that's the last place I saw my son alive, it's the last place I heard his voice, the last place I held him, laid with him, and felt the warmth of his skin....when he was warm..not joking either if you have a heart kid you understand. So on the way I was feeling all kinds of ways but something came to me, the quote 'life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass, it's about learning to dance in the rain". Kayden taught me that this quote is TRUE!! I mean I did not realize that until today, Kayden did not wait until the storm was over but he enjoyed his life even though he was sick, he was strong, he was an inspiration, he always was my inspiration from the first second I laid eyes on that handsome little baby....For every struggle we face, we will ALWAYS come out stronger, because we are still standing. Anyways, when we got there we took the stuff to the volunteer office & met up with the social worker who is amazing and was SO much help to me & Kayden while he was sick. I always got to see the transplant nurse Sara, she is so amazing. She always answered any questions I had and left my mind at ease when I would worry. Seeing her almost made me cry but I didn't so I was proud!! First we went up to the 7th floor and took a bag of toys to each tree on the Peds floor. Then it was time for the PICU....that was scary but I wanted to and I NEEDED to go in there. I had to. So I took some and put them under the tree and left the rest in the bags for the nurses to wrap..lol I hope they have fun it was a lot!! Then I got to go visit a baby who's mom I met while Kayden was in the hospital...She is also a heart baby who is fighting. She is strong and she's proven those doctors wrong just like Kayden use to, she was in the room right next to Kayden....it was hard to walk by the room and not have the flash back of the night I walked in and my mom was holding my child's lifeless body....I hated that part...but I remembered what I was doing there...I was there to make these kids Christmas better, to make them smile even if only for 5 minutes!! I want them to enjoy the toys they get because for some it could be their last. Kayden's last gift from the hospital was a puppy pillow pet, which is on his bed ♥ When we were finished I felt good, I felt a sense of peace come over me. I think it's what I needed to help me move forward. I have to admit I have been blocking some of it out to not remember that night...but I know I have to face it to bring myself peace. It was hard seeing his nurses, but they remembered he loved Spongebob when they seen the matchbox cars that were Spongebob. Kayden was such a loveable little boy, yes he did have his days and if he didn't like you well there really was no changing that lol. But EVERYONE who met him loved that baby. There was something about him. I think Kayden was truly an Angel sent down to Heaven. When I had my first ultrasound with him, Kayden wasn't there, kinda like wherever he was in this world he just wasn't done yet so he had to finish before he came to me...2 weeks later I go back and there he is....On the way home, the clouds were freaking breathtaking. They seriously looked like Angel wings with Heaven shining through....They were so beautiful, I wish I got a picture for you guys but I was driving lol. I am so glad that Kayden's life will touch so many now. They may not know him, but I know that because of him is why I did this, I know that there is a child in Charlottesville tonight or tomorrow that will have a toy we brought, that would not be there if Kayden were never here. 

Kayden touched us all in many ways, me as his mom. I am SO proud of it, I am proud to say Kayden James Barnes is my son, I am proud to tell people how hard that baby fought through every surgery he went through, how he took the IV's, blood draws, meds, xrays, etc like a little champ. I love my son, I will ALWAYS love my son and today I hope I made him proud of me like I am of him. This helped me I think I'll be able to get through his birthday tomorrow and through Christmas by knowing my little man's life is finally starting to make a difference for others ♥ I plan on doing this every year for his birthday & I'm going to hopefully soon be helping out more with just the heart families as well ♥ 
As I bring this to an end tonight, I hope you all have read this and I hope it has helped you realize what is important over the holidays and not just now, but all year. Our family, that's what matters....Don't worry about your struggles, don't stress over it because they will make you stronger always...Dance in the storm because sooner or later it'll come to an end, so enjoy every second of it. I'm so glad I made everything as close to normal as I could for my little man ♥

1 comment:

  1. Awwww Misty ! RIP Kayden James ! Gone BUT Never ForGotten ! Fly High Bubba ! & Watch Over Us All ! We All Love You Miss You More Than AnyThing In This Entire World !