I have handed my son over to surgeons knowing they would stop his heart, and prayed that it would beat again. I have learned more than I ever thought I could. I have cried more than I ever thought possible. I have celebrated victories and milestones that others never have to. I have walked a road I never knew existed. I will walk this road forever. I am a mommy to a CHD Angel ♥ iLy Kayden James

Saturday, December 31, 2011

Goodbye 2011

I have to post one more blog before the new year! So this year has been filled with a lot of emotion and a lot of heartache for myself and my family...I came into the year not knowing what it would hold, but knowing that Kayden may not be with us but fighting and hoping he would....My big man was here the first 6 1/2 months of this year. Even though he was in and out of the hospital he still kept on smiling and spreading his love everywhere with everyone. He went through open heart surgery in March, a surgery in which his heart was stopped for a little bit. I worried that it wouldn't start again, but he proved us and many others he WAS strong and his heart took right on over after he was taken off the bypass. I can still feel his touch and I can still feel his kisses and hugs. When Kayden's heart got worse after his Boston surgery my heart sunk. I said if the #1 hospital in the country and one of the best peds cardiac surgeons couldn't fix his little heart then nothing and no one could. My heart still hurts for him, my arms ache & I cry at night for my baby. It will never stop. The pain will never go away. He was unique, one of a kind and there will NEVER be another like Kayden.

I've lived with death everyday and I've seen it, I held an Angel in my arms, I've had to do the one thing a parent especially a mother should NEVER EVER EVER have to do. I had to bury my child, I had to try and explain to my 5 year old daughter that her little brother will not come home. This year has been filled with struggles. Struggles I would never be able to get through if it wasn't for my son. Kayden touched my life just like an Angel, it was like he was truly from Heaven from the time I got pregnant with him.

My hope for 2012 is to give me more strength to get through this awful journey I'm going through. I hope to finally get the foundation started for Kayden that will hopefully help other heart families in need. Kayden was special and his life should be shared with others. My heart will never be healed but one thing I do know is true & thanks to a movie for reminding me, find the one thing you are most afraid of & instead of running away from it run towards it. Some days I think I'm afraid to face the fact I lost my son, so from now on instead of trying to run away from it I will run towards it and cry and scream and kick because it will help me for the moment. I'm afraid to get myself back into the world, I'm afraid bad things will happen because it seems as if bad follows me. I feel like I'm waiting on something else to go wrong. I will no longer run away I will fight and get through this all of it. I will carry Kayden with me EVERY WHERE I go. He is a part of me and he will always be. I kind of felt as if I am leaving him behind in 2011, but I'm NOT, Kayden is with me, he is a part of me. He is going with me into this new year and he will guide me through it and I will make it and come out on top. I love him and Lexi, Tavion & Isaiah more than this world. I hope you all have a wonderful New year & I hope 2012 brings you strength, hope, love & happiness ♥

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