I'm still angry.

It's true, I do believe I'm still angry. Or maybe just at times I'm still angry that my son was taken from me. As I was looking to change my default picture tonight I stopped because I was getting so angry that he wasn't here to take a new picture of him. I got angry because as I saw the last pictures I got of Kayden, he was okay in those pictures and so much changed so quickly and I don't understand what went wrong. I am still left 14 months later with SO many unanswered questions..

I know there is a bigger picture behind this. God knows what he is doing when he takes our children back home. I know I can't see that bigger picture or get to where he wants me to be until I can get over the madness. I try and when I think I'm almost there, I feel as if it's all hitting me in the face again at once. I miss him so much. When I feel like I need to let it out I do. But lately those days are coming more often again and I don't understand why. I know I'll never get over losing Kayden, but I didn't think that I'd feel like I'm taking 10 steps back. I went awhile with having mostly good days and the bad ones where further apart. But lately they are coming so often again and almost every night I cry. My heart is shattered and it's an awful feeling when you think your childs memory is fading. I don't know how to get past this and get to where I was. I just keep reliving the whole month of July...I don't know what to feel or think anymore. Is this normal? Should I finally seriously consider talking to someone? I just don't want to hear the bullshit of he's in a better place, he's better off....blah blah blah...These things I already know so stop telling me that! JUST FUCKING STOP. That goes to everyone. Because sometimes that just is NOT good enough when all I want is to hold my son close and never let him go. I remember so many days and nights I'd hold his hand and watch him just because I knew how possible it was he wouldn't be here...BUT I never in a million years thought that he would be gone....I always said God put Kayden through too much to take him back and I believed that, I had faith that he was going to help Kayden and let him stay with me. My heart is hurting so much, my head stays hurting and I don't think there is anything that'll help it...not even time.

I once believed...

So here's my question for you..

Do you believe everything happens for a reason, is it fate, or is it a fairy tale?

Maybe it's all three?

Do we really know?

Here is my take on it, I could be wrong but hell we all have opinion's and here is mine...

I don't think fairy tales exist, I think they only happen in the movies or in our dreams. I do believe in fate, but I also think that may fall into everything happens for a reason...call it fate if you want or call it Gods plan. Which ever you'd like I guess....

Here is why I don't believe in fairy tales, I have a child who went to Heaven, he will not be with me again in this lifetime so therefore there will be no happy ending to this fairy tale. I thought all fairy tales had happy endings. So no way will I believe they happen in real life.

But to call it hopeless, I do not believe that either. HOPE is one of the only things that keep me going. Faith is another, LOVE is another. My lord, how the hell did I make it this long without hope, faith, or love? Strength? Possibly. I kneel beside my sons grave daily, sometimes I'll sit there and I've laid there beside him a few times just staring at the sky and talking to him. Crazy? Just a little maybe. But that's reality it's not a fairy tale, I guess maybe it's fate? It was Kayden's. God wanted him home so he called his name that Thursday morning, when my life was flipped and turned in all sorts of directions....We are brought up and raised by our parents, they teach us so much and what they don't teach us we learn in school or by others right? But what about this, who teaches us to grieve? No one, we do it on our own. We have to learn how to cope with things on our own. We all handle situations differently, some will drown theirs selves in alcohol, or drugs. Others will be depressed and crawl in a corner for the rest of there lives. There is no time limit on grieving. I miss my baby boy every day still. Not a day passes that I don't miss him. And lately I've been taking myself back to his birthdays, holidays with him, and hospital stays with him. Ya know, to say that I would possibly ever be hopeless, that there is just flat out ignorance. Now when it comes to men, that is hopeless..I don't think that there is a man out there that can tell the God honest truth about everything....Here's my story..
I once told this certain guy how I felt, which I never do..Told him things I wanted out of my life & all about Kayden & everything...So yea this was after Kayden went to Heaven...and hey guess what happen to this guy? He just stopped talkin to me & started ignoring me...So hey why should I have hope in any man alive? Every guy I've ever met has always screwed me over some how....I have trust issues...now do you understand why? I don't regret telling him everything but I do regret opening up about my child who's no longer here. That could possibly fall under the category of taking advantage of me. But I'm a forgiving person. I forgive though I don't forget. Life is too short to hold a grudge it's too short to bitch over shit...So what do I do...move forward....but this was all worth making a blog about..

I do believe I know quite a few families who would agree with me on this topic of fairy tales though. Ask anyone who's ever lost a child....

I don't expect everyone to always remember why I disagree with things they believe in...because at one time I once believed too

Moving forward, but standing still

Wow, it's been a good month since I've blogged. So here is a sum of everything that has happened. Me & the kids moved out of my moms house, I've been working like a dog (lol), I've missed Kayden every second of every day. It's hard to believe it's been 13 months since I"ve saw his little face. I've been without internet and cable for like 2 weeks or so. & now I FINALLY have it back and can catch everyone up lol!!

I'm super excited to have my own place with the kids, it's kind of weird that it's all mine and no one can tell me how to do things around here haha. Mom has been staying here though, she has to watch the kids while I work & she helped me get things together. Me & Philip have court on the 28th of this month and the Guardian ad Litem came today. So I had to be sure things were straight for the kids. Which we did. The lady was super nice and that all went great.

While I was without internet I saw on my phone one night that a baby I had followed for awhile now passed away. He also had a CHD, my heart hurts for his mommy. Fly High little Pierce ♥

I can't express how much of a love/hate relationship I have with CHD, I mean Kayden had a CHD & I hated it because he was sick, but I love it because if he didn't have it then he would not have been my Kayden. God I miss him so much...I think some people forget that I lost him by the senseless comments that they make. Some people are just stupid. And others just word things wrong. I mean here is what I wish people could see, your child IS still here in your reach, so do NOT be sad. You can see him/here when ever you want to. My son, his soul is in Heaven, his costume he wore here, it's at the cemetery that I visit every single day. My son is out of my reach, I can't see him or hold him...or kiss him. I wish people could understand that when they say things to me. Then they wonder why I don't feel like talking to anyone.

I do a lot of talking at work, I work with the public on a daily basis. Unfortunately people I come in contact with daily, have no idea about me or my life...or my child who is no longer here. When they are rude to me, I try to brush it off but it's so hard. It makes me wish I could just go back in time and freeze it...life seemed much easier back with Kayden, even through the hospital stays or doctors appointments. I need the job and love the people I work with...well most of them most of the time LOL, but I do wish they would move me around more. That goes back to people not understanding that grieving the loss of a child is so much more different that if it were a parent, grandparent, aunt or uncle. My days are not guaranteed. When I feel like not talking or feel like crying, I really don't want to talk to ANYONE including the public (especially). This is how my life will be daily. I'll be glad when I finally get back to school and finish my degree. Because if I get a  job offer in the paralegal field, yep I'll take it because I'll not do as much talking to the public as I do now. I know I will some but not every single day all 8 hours of the shift.

Anyways, that's enough ranting I'll do for one blog. I'll try to keep posting more for you guys  ♥

The struggles make you stronger

Happy Fourth of July everyone who comes across my blog ♥ I hope you have a fun and safe holiday!

Today is a little bittersweet on this end. It was Kayden's last holiday with us, he was still vented and before he got chorea so at least he was communicating like his self..Kayden didn't like the fire works, he would say 'too loud' and he'd cover his face. So last year, he had a decoration from my sister and he'd pull of the little stars on it lol! He was so silly! Today Isaiah is wearing Kayden's fourth of July shirt from 2009. After Isaiah it will get put up with everything else. It's so hard to get rid of things that were his. Eventually one day I'll go through his stuff again and get rid of a few things...maybe. Or Alexis can once I'm with Kayden in Heaven.

All today really means right now to me is I'm at the official count down, 10 days until I got the worst phone call of my life. 10 days away from the last time I held my son in my arms, 10 days since the day my little boy went to live with the Angels & earned his wings. Kayden was a fighter, he did up until the very end. I do not feel like he lost his fight with his heart, I feel he beat it, Kayden beat his CHD. Going to Heaven isn't a punishment, it isn't losing, it's WINNING. He is so much better off than we are. Kayden was chosen before he was born. He was hand picked and his dates were written, when he was called home, he had Angels waiting for him. To go at a young age like Kayden and many others, they have to be a very important piece of Heaven, so at least I know I've got a piece of Heaven watching over my family & I carry it with me always.

I'm glad I didn't know last year that I only had 10 days left with him, I'd rather our last days together be filled with smiles and memories, not sadness. Kayden didn't need to see that. Some things and this is one, we are better off not knowing. I have learned many lessons in this short year. One I want you all to know is do not take life for granted, when you feel like complaining about hospital stays, please remember there are people out there who would do anything in the world just to be by their child's hospital bed. And remember those nights before when you were afraid it would be your last night with your child.

All I do is keep having images pop up in my head from last year in the hospital with him, or afterwards, I keep feeling myself in those situations, and when I let the walls up for a split second, the tears come and won't stop. The last two nights I've cried myself to sleep. I know I'm going to feel like I'm losing him all over again, except this year I can't hold him on the 14th like I did last year, I won't be able to kiss him on the head and tell him how loved he is and will always be. I did promise Kayden I would be beside him every step of the way. I promised him I'd fight for him until the day my heart stopped beating. That is a promise I do intend on keeping. So I do not care how many people get tired of hearing about CHD, I will preach to you about it, I will shove it down your throat. I will never stop because I know the awful reality of CHD, I've lived with every mother's nightmare the last year and I will live it for the rest of my life. All I can say is people truly can die with a broken heart. My heart will be broken forever. Our family is like a puzzle that's missing a piece, and that piece will never be found until we are all together again.

1 year down, lifetime to go

I can't believe that I've started the last month of the first year without my son. People think that I'm better, truth is no I'm not. I'll never be better. I wake up every day not knowing what it'll be like. Some days are ok, some are pure hell. I know I'll be falling to pieces as soon as June 28 gets here. I know exactly 2 weeks later will be when my son went to Heaven. I miss him so much, I wish I had an idea of when I could see him again. I mean at least while he was here I got to look forward to seeing him in like 2 days. Now all I can say is I will see him again one day. One day could be 60 years from now, but to be honest I don't know if I'll make it that long without him. I believe people can die from a broken heart. When I die my heart will be broken because I lived so many years without my child, without a piece of me.

Soo for Kayden's Angelversary, we are going to do a balloon release, I'm asking only a few of my good friends who've been there for me to come. When I say been there, I mean the ones who didn't disappear after his service. I had a lot of people who disappeared afterwards. And that's when I needed people most. My GOD I LOST MY SON! It's not like losing a parent, husband, or friend. IT IS YOUR CHILD, A PART OF YOU. I've always said there is no love like a mother and her son. I formed that bond with him when I carried him for 36 weeks. I loved him from the first time I heard his heart beating. That is something no one can possibly understand unless they've got a child I guess. And even still some people may not get it. So anyways, I do ask anyone anywhere if you remember please release a white balloon for Kayden for his 1 year in Heaven ♥

So I told Kayden one day that I wish I could just hear his heart beating one more time. The most amazing thing happened. I did! I did hear it! I found a video of my detailed sono of Kayden & Alexis. We watched Lexi's then put Kayden's in & sure enough when they were measuring beats per minute I HEARD HIS HEART BEAT! My little Angel is still helping me now! That is amazing, I'll cherish it forever because I can hear his heart beat any time I want to ♥

Until next time....

Broken for a lifetime....

Geez, it's been like a month since I've blogged. I guess I'm past due.

I got a job, finally after what 10 months of looking pretty much? I started looking in August. It's not the best in the world, and I hate it but it's a job and it's money. Yep, that's right I hate it. I've never liked fast food and never will, but besides that. I liked taking care of my son and that is what I'd much rather be doing than out working. I'm still trying to adjust to it, and so far not having luck. Every evening when I get off I go to the cemetery to sit with Kayden....last week my first week, I cried every day one day a good half hour. I miss him so much and working and acting like things are okay, being around all those people who have no idea about him or who he was just makes me sick to my stomach that they don't know he existed. It makes me sad also.

My life has never been easy. I grew up without a father, my mom did all she could for us to be sure we had what we wanted. I was a hard kid to raise because I always wanted the opposite of what she wanted me to have or what she wanted me to do I do the opposite..I guess that's how I ended up with 4 kids before I'm 25 lol! My mom went to work to take care of us and after that, my school work went down hill and I would lay out of school. I regret that, I wish I would have graduated with my class instead of getting my GED a year early. I got hit by a car when I was 14 and lived with only a fractured back, bumps, scratches & bruises. I met the father of my kids when I was 16 years old. I got pregnant and lost a baby right after turning 17...I had my first baby a week after turning 18. Then I just kept having them lol! No but really, I did have kids at 18, 19, 21 and 22. I never would have thought I'd lose a child at 23. I did though, I lost my 3.5 year old at age 23. I've raised 4 kids practically on my own with help from my mom. Now I'm trying to make it in this big ole world. I smile daily and talk and laugh with people. I talk to strangers or well my customers daily like I'm perfectly fine, I put a smile on my face and I'm 'happy'....but I've got a secret for you.

I feel lost, alone, and afraid.

I'm lost in the world, I feel like I don't know who I am anymore. With Kayden I knew who I was, I enjoyed taking care of him and I had a somewhat stable life. He was very sick, yes. But we were happy and we were secure in our life. I keep asking myself..WHERE DID WE GO WRONG? What happened? I feel alone, because with Kayden I felt like I had someone, I know I have my other kids but I don't have him. My family will never be complete. A part of our whole is far away from us. I'm afraid I'll forget who I really am in the world. The world has a way of corrupting people. I'm afraid it will me & I'll forget the person I am. I am a mother of 4 kids, I'm a mother who lost her child to a congenital heart defect, I want to make a difference in the world for another family in memory of my son. I want others to KNOW my son's story. But  working all the time I'm afraid I'll forget all of this. Or afraid I won't have the time to do any of it or remember who I am and what I've been through. No matter what though I will NEVER forget my son.

This month is hard on me, June 14 will make 11 months since I held my son for the last time. It also makes 1 year since he was admitted to the hospital to be evaluated for a heart transplant and listed. He was admitted in cardiogenic shock. June 28, makes 1 year since my son was listed status 1A on the transplant list for a new heart. My heart hurts when I think back and say this time a year ago I was taking care of a critically ill 3 year old and that life was easier than this shit I deal with now. I ask God all the time why he took my son. It makes me sad because not many of you know either that I also had a very serious birth defect. I had a congenital diaphragmatic hernia at birth. I had surgery at only a few hours old & my mom was told I probably wouldn't make it. But I did, I'm a survivor as many of my CHD friends are except I'm a CDH survivor. My mom didn't know about it when I was born, so they weren't expecting it but when I had trouble breathing they rushed me to the NICU. I don't understand why God let me live and not my son. I wish he would have just let us both live because now I live with this pain every day of losing my son.

I don't know how else to put it except, no one has a perfect life. There is no such thing as perfect, if you think life is perfect you need to be hit with reality. Reality is me going to sit by my child's grave and cry daily. It's having to send goodnight kisses to the sky every night or hug a Mickey Mouse pillow to get a little scent of Kayden because it was with him until he took his last breath. It's having to explain to my 2 sons and my daughter what happened to their brother when they become an age they can understand. It's having to explain to them that no matter where they go in life that their brother is their guiding light, he will shine bright just for them and watch over them & keep them safe. It's having to release balloons on the anniversaries, or birthdays or special days instead of cakes and presents and games! So when you think you have a perfect life, stop and remember reality could hit you at anytime so stop pretending to be a teenager still.

When you think your life gets hard...just remember all this sweet little boy went through and still kept a smile on his face ♥ ily Kayden James

10 months..

I've been slacking on my blogging. I just haven't had the time and really I don't right now because I'm so tired!! So yesterday was 10 months since I held my son for the last time & told him how much I'd miss him & already did....it was 10 months since Kayden went to Heaven & it was a hard day, it's in the double digits now....meaning in 2 short months..it'll be 1 year since I've seen that precious face. I realized I hadn't gone through his pictures in a few days and when I did I cried. It was so hard. I miss him so much and I wish things were different. I see so many posts about faith and mending little hearts and although I've seen the mending of little hearts, I've also seen the broken little hearts never be mended, but yet faith remains.

I do celebrate for these families but my own heart is shattered as I do. MY SON WAS MY EVERYTHING. My one fear was losing him. Now I'm afraid of him being forgotten. I'll be doing a donation for Kayden's 1 year Angelversary. This will be things given to the pediatric classroom at UVa, the teacher there was amazing with my child & I want to help her. We'll also be giving things to the Ronald McDonald House. Again in December, I'll do his toy donation which I hope is as big of a success as it was last year.

Somethings I realized the other day and I hadn't really thought about it until then was the first's Kayden will never experience, he'll never have his first day of school, his first t-ball or football game. He'll never have his first dance at school, or his first A on a test. He'll never get to drive a car or have a job. He'll never have his own family.

This all breaks my heart, our future was stolen from us it seems. Kayden will never meet his nieces or nephews that his brothers or sister have. I can't help but think of those things. I wish we could go back in time so I could be with him again, just to feel him. Kiss him. Tell him how much I love him.

Saturday is Lexi's dance recital, we were planning on taking Kayden this year. I hope he'll be enjoying it from Heaven and hopefully he'll be cheering for his sister to do well instead of laughing at how funny she looks lol! He always would say sissy silly. LOL! She's excited & so am I. I can't believe she only has a few weeks of school left & her kindergarten year will be over WOW. Where has the time gone?!

Well I finally got a job, & will start soon. I haven't told many people where because I don't want a few people knowing where I'm at. But it'll get me & the kids our own place within the next few months. YAY. I'm excited about having my own place with the kiddos. Nervous but excited.

Tavion's birthday was on Sunday, Mother's Day....my first without my big man =[. Tavion is now 3. I have two 3 year olds....one lives in Heaven though. I'm so scared. I feel like something is gunna happen to him to. I wish I could overcome that fear...but I can't so I try not to think about how old he is....His birthday cake was Cookie Monster..because Tavion LOVES cookies and I call him cookie monster all the time lol!! His cake was made possible by Icing Smiles, they provide cakes for medical children & their siblings. Also, siblings of a medical child who's gained their wings within 2 years....They were so amazing and what they do is awesome! Bread Craft in Roanoke made his cake and it was just amazing I loved it! I'm so thankful they were able to help us!!!

I'll try to blog more often I just don't have time when I'm so sleepy & so busy all the time!! ♥