Not ready for this week...

This week is going to be hard and it's already started..I wasn't ready for it like I thought. My best friends mom passed away last week on December 14. Today was her funeral. I thought I'd be okay but who was I fooling? It was the first funeral since Kayden's, she passed exactly 5 months after him & she was like a mom to me. I practically lived at their house growing up. Her mom was a wonderful person and very strong. She too lost a son, the year before me & Krystle met. I said a few words today and I broke down, it was hard but I'm glad I got something out. Her mom was a great woman and I have a ton of respect for her. I have to be happy for her though she is reunited with her son who she's lived without and missed for many years.
Tomorrow we are taking toys to UVa's PICU in Kayden's memory for his 4th birthday..This is going to be hard there is no way around it. It's the last place I saw my baby alive, it's the last place I heard him talk and held him close. I miss that little face, I miss his smell, I miss his voice, I miss his touch...One thing I've learned is not all things heal with time. They just don't and this is one thing. It will NOT get better, this is the rest of my life right here and I have to try and make the best of it for my other kids' sake.
Kayden's birthday is Wednesday and we will be releasing 4 balloons for him and a wish lantern. I feel like a shitty mom because I haven't bought 1 present, 1 decoration...NOTHING. I should be having a birthday party for my little 4 year old. It's still hard to believe sometimes, but I remember quickly as it's in my face everyday that he is no longer here. I love & miss him more than you could imagine  ♥