I have handed my son over to surgeons knowing they would stop his heart, and prayed that it would beat again. I have learned more than I ever thought I could. I have cried more than I ever thought possible. I have celebrated victories and milestones that others never have to. I have walked a road I never knew existed. I will walk this road forever. I am a mommy to a CHD Angel ♥ iLy Kayden James

Sunday, March 6, 2011

God will not give us more than we can handle

So it's still Sunday March 6. So this time in a week we will officially be in Boston, MA & I will be trying to figure out how I'm suppose to prepare myself & my little boy for his surgery. Or can you really prepare yourself? I've got a good answer for that NO you can not. I feel like I'm falling apart some days, where others I feel stronger than ever like I can face anything & everything. And I know people tell me 'you're strong Misty, you can get through this' but really am I that strong? I've always been so vulnerable, I've always been the one to cry at the drop of a hat. I've always been the one looking for help or needing it. I've never been the one to support someone through something so big & so important that is until I had my kids. Somedays I feel an overwhelming amount of love from them and it feels so good to know that no matter what mistakes I make, I'll still have my children. But in a week I'll be facing a life or death surgery for my son. There will never be a guarantee for anyone that they will see tomorrow. But this is something so bad that I know his heart will be stopped to try to fix the problem. So for however long this surgery takes. My child's heart will not be beating & mine will. I don't know if I can handle that. Can they stop my heart also, just at least until his surgery is over and he's okay? I can't live a day without my children all of them.

On March 1 it was 6 years since I had a miscarriage. It was my first baby, I was 9 weeks pregnant. No not that far and I don't know whether it was a girl or boy so some people may think it's not too bad. But that day is so clear in the back of my head. I was scheduled for the d&c on March 2. But instead I passed the baby March 1 at home. I just remember screaming and crying in the bathroom sitting on the floor I couldn't walk. I tried and I fell to the floor after I got through the hall almost to the garage so we could go to the ER. I couldn't walk literally. I just laid on the floor curled up crying. Finally my ex which is the father of all of my children, had to carry me to the car. I can hardly remember the ride to the ER I was losing a lot of blood so everything was so weird plus the pain I was feeling I couldn't stop crying. That day I thought was the hardest day of my life because I lost my child. The baby I was so excited about. The day that the doctors told us 'I don't see a heartbeat' that day is so clear in my head. I thought then would I ever have kids? Why did this have to happen to me? Is something wrong with ME? I didn't know what to do or expect...Then once I got pregnant with Alexis 2 months later I was scared to death because I wasn't expecting it & we def weren't trying. I was afraid to tell people until I knew she had a heartbeat. I prayed so hard I remember for her to be okay. And once I saw & heard that little heartbeat I was so relieved and felt on top of the world!! Alexis was born & was perfectly healthy & still is to this day. I've always been so scared to tell people when I'm pregnant before I go to the doctor and see & hear the heartbeat. Only because I know anything can happen at that first visit. Like this, when I took the test & it was positive with Kayden. I made my appointment the next day when I went for my first visit, Kayden was not there REALLY no baby was there but I was definitely pregnant. So scared? YES I WAS, I thought something bad was wrong and I was going to lose another baby. So I had to come back in 2 weeks. Which I did & there was my little bean with his little heart just a beating <3 so I was so happy. Little did I know what was facing us. Little did I know 3 short years later I would be wondering if his little heart is going to still be beating in 2 weeks. I pray every night & every day. I don't think I've prayed this much in all my 23 years honestly as I have the past 8 months.

Anyways the point is, I've obviously been through a lot when it comes to my children, I know there are people who've been through worse so please don't forget them & you reading this could be one of those people. So your reality could be so much worse than what my reality is at the moment. But I lost my first child at the age of 17. I had my second child at 19, he was born with health issues including; bilateral cleft lip/palate, dilated cardiomyopathy, & tricuspid regurgitation or as they said then Ebstein's anomaly. He also had pyloric stenosis which required his first of many surgeries at the age of 1 month!! He has had 3 surgeries to repair the cleft, he had his cyst beside his ear removed. So I've saw my child be taken from me a number of times for surgeries. I've heard him scream & cry for me once they take him...But what gets me the most is right before his ear surgery which was the last surgery he had. It was the first & only time I've ever got to go back to the OR with him until he was asleep. Little did I know once he woke up from that surgery he would be a completely different little boy. It breaks my heart, I never knew in less than a year he would be having open heart surgery because he fell into heart failure a month after that surgery.

I feel so many different emotions all at the same time. I feel sadness because I want to take his place so bad, I wish it were me not him. I miss my baby boy who would run around playing with cars & go outside and laugh & play. I feel stressed for all of the obvious reasons, I feel guilty even because I feel like it's my fault since I let the doctor do surgery on his ear when they were infected & the cyst was getting infected again. BUT he was the doctor shouldn't he have known? I also feel angry, I'm so angry at myself for feeling angry. I'm angry because it happened to my child. WHY IS HE SICK? WHY?? WHY DID IT HAVE TO BE HIM? I know I'm blessed to have 3 other healthy kids so that is why I'm so mad at myself too because I should feel blessed that 3 of 4 are completely healthy. But then again would I be normal for not feeling all of this. And as bad as it sounds & I feel so guilty for even putting it out there, is I've tried to think of what will happen to me if Kayden doesn't make it. I NEED him in my life, I can NOT and I do NOT want to live in a world without him. I shouldn't even say that because my other children need me...BUT they also need their brother as well. I break down and cry for no apparent reason, but inside I know it's because I'm scared to death for everything ahead of me, I cry because these feelings most of the time hit me at the same time & I don't know how to handle them.

So if God doesn't give us more than we can handle, then I don't think he will take my child back home. He knows I need him & he knows I can not handle living without him.

1 comment:

  1. You're An Amazing Mommy..I Look Up To You Girlie..I Don't Know How You Do It..BUT..You're Awesome!Keep Up All That You Do!..You have Amazing Babies!Love You 5.