I have handed my son over to surgeons knowing they would stop his heart, and prayed that it would beat again. I have learned more than I ever thought I could. I have cried more than I ever thought possible. I have celebrated victories and milestones that others never have to. I have walked a road I never knew existed. I will walk this road forever. I am a mommy to a CHD Angel ♥ iLy Kayden James

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

I miss you more than words can say..

My heart is broken...It's almost been a week since Kayden's been gone. Everyday continues to get harder. I miss him more than anything in this world. The pain I feel is just explainable. He was my life for so long & all of a sudden he was gone from me in a matter of like 10 minutes. How is that? I know I can't ask myself why or say I wish this was different, because I KNOW in my heart and in my head that it will never change a thing. I know Kayden is gone & isn't coming back. I know I can never hold him again. I can talk to him but I can't ever hear him talk back to me. The hardest time of the day is bedtime I think. Kayden had a special thing every night. He'd always take his medicines, then I'd ask him if he needed more drink or wanted chips or anything to take to bed. Then we'd sing his moon song; 'I see the moon & the moon sees me, the moon sees somebody I want to see. So God bless the moon & God bless me, & God bless the somebody I want to see'. Then we would whisper 'night night, love you' I miss that little voice whispering to me. I just wish I could hear it...I will never be the same person EVER again. I can't even look at his meds in the evening, night because it makes me cry to see his name. I miss him so much. Kayden knows I love him & he knows I would have done anything for him. God knows it as well. I just wish I had longer with him. I've been to the cemetery everyday to see him & will continue that for awhile....I know eventually there will come a time I can't go everyday because I've still got 3 other children who need me. I know & Kayden knows I have to take care of them as well. I sometimes feel like people look at me weird because I don't cry all the time...I KNOW I can't sit around and cry all day everyday..of course I can make myself, but I also ask myself, would Kayden want that? And my answer is no he would not. I also know that Kayden will ALWAYS be with me any and everywhere I go. Because no one can ever take my memories from me, he will always be in my heart and in my mind. And even at night if I think really hard and concentrate I can heart that sweet little precious voice telling me 'night night, love you'. My heart just aches, my arms ache to hold him as well. My sweet boy is flying high with the other little Angels tonight and I hope he'll soon visit me in my dreams <3 or even come kiss me on the cheek one night <3 I love you Kayden James <3 12.21.07-7.14.11


  1. Awww :'( I'm in tears, my heart is hurting for you Misty XoXo Praying for you and the kids always here for you <3 Kayden will be forever in my heart ....Amanda

  2. Keep your head up love, he knows that he holds your heart and every night he still sings that song to you and tells you he loves you not to mention he looks at the moon from above and knows your looking back if you need a shoulder you have my number <3 ya