I have handed my son over to surgeons knowing they would stop his heart, and prayed that it would beat again. I have learned more than I ever thought I could. I have cried more than I ever thought possible. I have celebrated victories and milestones that others never have to. I have walked a road I never knew existed. I will walk this road forever. I am a mommy to a CHD Angel ♥ iLy Kayden James

Monday, July 25, 2011

Unconditional Love

My heart is aching for another family tonight as well as my own. I found out another little boy 3 years old named Kayden passed away at the same hospital as my baby. My heart is broken for them. It just brings back ALL the pain I felt that night when I got the call that Kayden was gone. I just remember riding the whole 2 hours to Charlottesville in tears, I was numb, I couldn't say anything except WHY GOD WHY? WHY DID YOU TAKE HIM?! That is ALL I kept saying and I remember telling Kayden before I had found out he was gone..it was after the call that said 'Misty, we're losing him you need to get up here now'....I was running around the house trying to get ready & get the kids up waiting for my brother & I was praying out loud to God to help him stay strong & I was telling Kayden to keep fighting to just hang in there. I just thought to myself riding though, that God did not listen to me, God didn't answer my prayers. He did NOT give me what I wanted....It wasn't until after things calmed down until I realized, God DID answer my prayers, and he did not do this to hurt me. God Answered my prayers because ALL I ever wanted was my baby to be okay. And Kayden is PERFECT now, he is not hurting & this way my baby will be with me ALWAYS. At first I was mad I was mad at God for taking bubba from me. But I guess all that is normal to feel. I didn't realize until a few days ago that, even if he had a transplant it would not have been over. I talked about that in the previous blog post about him still needing to go back for appointments to check for rejection. God has a plan for all of us, he will never give us more than we can handle. I truly believe that. Ya know and after hearing about this family it made me wonder, well DID they do everything to help my baby? But then I thought well if I question them, then I have to question God. Because if they made the mistake surely God wouldn't have taken Kayden. He had the power to help that little heart beat. I've never been a real religious person, or ever really went to church. But going through all this God is the ONLY place I've been able to turn for answers, the only place I can find peace. Because that is who is holding on to my baby right now. Kayden showed me how to love unconditionally. No matter what life threw at us, I never once thought of Kayden as a burden, or thought 'OMG we've got to go do this again'..I never once thought twice about taking him somewhere. Everything he went through if it's possible, it made me love him even more. He showed me what strength & courage was. He showed me to keep hoping even when you thought you couldn't . He taught me to pray even when you didn't think you could anymore. Kayden is an inspiration & I know what REAL LOVE is now. He will ALWAYS  be with me & my family. He will ALWAYS watch over other heart kids & he will always be there waiting for the CHD babies when they become Angels. He will be the one to welcome them into Heaven <3 I'm just so thankful I can realize this, because I'm sure there are people out there who can not accept any of this until many years later. <3

1 comment:

  1. Awwww:( I'm Praying For The Other Family That Lost Their BabyBoy Kayden..I Have No Clue The Pain You Are Going Through..BUT..I Can't NOT Ever Begin To Imagine..I Love All Of You Misty & I'm Always Here 4 All Of You..RIP Bubba.Fly High With The Angels & Watch Over All Of Us..GONE But NEVER ForGotten!