I have handed my son over to surgeons knowing they would stop his heart, and prayed that it would beat again. I have learned more than I ever thought I could. I have cried more than I ever thought possible. I have celebrated victories and milestones that others never have to. I have walked a road I never knew existed. I will walk this road forever. I am a mommy to a CHD Angel ♥ iLy Kayden James

Thursday, January 6, 2011

The story behind the blog....

I was going to wait to post this, but I think now is a good time...Tonight has been one of them nights, just thinking about everything. First off, my mom went to see my grandma today she will be 84 this year, my mom said they were talking about old times & memories and my mom was talking to my grandma about Isaiah & well my grandma mentioned something about when my mom was a baby, and instead of saying when "you" were a baby she said when Joann was a baby. This upset my mom I think, she looked like it did when she was telling me, that her mom didn't realize who she was talking to for that split second. They also had a talk about my grandpa & how he was such a good man, he'll be gone 12 years on January 17. It's true though about my grandpa he was such a great man, the best one I've ever known, I don't think he had an enemy in his life, I never remember him getting mad or anything. He was a very tender hearted man, he would get upset easily, I guess that's where I get it from. Well then I started thinking about Kayden, and how much he reminds me of my grandpa even being so small..Then I started thinking about everything Kayden's been through & the things he's going to go through..Then I started having so many things run through my head, I try to not think about the bad stuff but it's so hard when I'm alone & everyone is sleeping..I start thinking about what if after the transplant evaluation they decide he needs to be put on the list..What will I do if my son has to have a transplant? It's hard to think about and when I do it gets hard to breathe & tears feel my eyes..I pray every day and every night that God will give me another day of him feeling good & the medicines helping him...This is a journey for us that we knew wasn't going to be easy, and I know no matter what happens it'll be worth it, everyday my son is with me is a blessing.

Strength. This is first because Kayden and anyone with a CHD has to be strong. They've got to fight a very tough battle that in the end they may not win. But that's also what makes them so strong is for adults knowing what might happen. And as for parents and families of a child or anyone with a CHD, they've got to stay strong for their child or family member!! As for myself, Kayden's given me the strength to get through so much other than this. And if my son needs a transplant, I'll have to be strong for him & also my other kids, I'll have to be the one to hold us all together...

Courage. I chose the word courage because, these kids & families have amazing courage. They've got the courage to face fear. They've got the courage & the strength to not give up & to keep fighting for their lives everyday. Kayden has given me courage to keep moving on when I've felt like giving up so many times before, not with him trust me..that will never happen, I'll fight for my son until the day I die.

Hope. We've all got hope. Everyone has hope whether you have a CHD child or not. But as for me & my family with Kayden, we've got hope that everything will be fine one day, well as fine as fine can get for something like this...The day Kayden was born changed my life & my families life & I've had hope since the day my doctors told me he had a heart defect.

Another word I use for Kayden is Love. Because he has showed me how to love unconditionally. But that word will be used another day/time & another blog lol...

Strength to get through hard times.
Courage to face our fears.
Love unconditionally.

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