I have handed my son over to surgeons knowing they would stop his heart, and prayed that it would beat again. I have learned more than I ever thought I could. I have cried more than I ever thought possible. I have celebrated victories and milestones that others never have to. I have walked a road I never knew existed. I will walk this road forever. I am a mommy to a CHD Angel ♥ iLy Kayden James

Saturday, January 1, 2011

Happy New Year!!

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!! Well I don't know about anyone else but I know I'm sure glad to see 2010 go & to see what 2011 has to bring!! I do know that this year will be filled with many many happy tears as well as sad tears for myself!!! It will also bring me to the point of realizing how fast our kids really do grow up & watch as my baby girl officially becomes a little girl =[..Anyways let me reflect a little on 2010..I know not all of it was bad but shew for the biggest part it was just a disaster especially toward the end of the year!!  The beginning of the year was great I got to finally meet 2 amazing friends that I did meet online back in the beginning of 2008, Kayden was only a few months old so about March 2008 we'll say..They saw me through a lot of hard times & watched as Kayden grew and stood by my side when some of my "real" friends should have like when I got preggo with Tavion...Well the two amazing people were Tracy which she lives in West Virginia, I was so excited to finally go meet her & her 5 kids especially the twins, and then I got to go meet my wonderful Amanda in Kentucky at the end of March!! I LOOVE them 2 so much, they are more like sisters to me than friends..Not many people can say they've met friends like them on the internet but let me tell you they are two of the most real friends I've ever had and I thank God that he's blessed me with them!! Anyways then obviously getting preggo with Isaiah wasn't a planned thing but hey, I love my kids & I would NEVER give them up before or after they were born..I lost one child at 9 weeks back in '05 and I swear it is still one of the most hardest days of my life even now and it's going on 6 years since I lost that baby (R.I.P. Angel 3.1.05). Well things were fine until JUNE! When Kayden finally had surgery to remove the cyst beside his ear and the dern thing kept getting infected and staying that way...And I was constantly back and forth to the doctor getting antibiotics and trying to figure out why it stayed infected!! Anyways, then in July one of my WORST nightmares became reality when Kayden got diagnosed with congestive heart failure..lemme tell you that is one thing you never want to hear especially when your grandpa died due to CHF!! Well anyways, after that he was followed close by his cardiologists here and in Charlottesville, which I won't bore you with all that since I've blogged about most of it!! Then he had the heart cath in November & we were in the hospital over Thanksgiving which was sad, it was the first time I'd been away from my family plus my sister had just moved out and starting running her mouth a lot well I don't know if it were her or her "wonderful" husband who told me I didn't deserve my kids..YES they sure did, that's one thing you don't dare say to someone in the hospital with there almost 3 year old child after the doctor said 'his heart's barely pumping enough blood to his body to survive'....So yea on that note I don't speak to her anymore and have no intentions that was unforgivable..Well, yea those words the doctor said to me then is OBVIOUSLY another nightmare that became reality in 2010....December was a good month though, the kids got to go to the Christmas parade, Alexis had her first ballet show which was flat out adorable (I still have to upload her video lol) & they had a wonderful Christmas..NOT TO MENTION we welcomed our newest little bundle of joy into the family Isaiah James =]...The only thing they didn't get to do was go see Santa =[ that made me sad but we had no one to help us and I knew me & mom couldn't do it ourselves with me just having the baby..Anyways then here we are to 2011!!

This year I know will bring LOTS of memories, first off me & my brother are planning a trip to Vegas..WOO..I'm super stoked for that!!! We plan on going either in February or March, and we are gunna go to Vegas a few days, then Cali a couple days & possibly to Washington a couple days..because if you know me then you know my obsession with Twilight & the vampires LOL so we might get to go the Twilight Tour they have in Forks!! Well anyways I get to go back to school again in March after taking this term off WOO you know I'm super excited for that too considering I have 2 terms and I'll have my associates degree in paralegal studies..although I still want to get a bachelors in nursing or something in nursing..After everything I've been through with Kayden I have no doubts I couldn't do it, hell most people would be surprised at what I do know and I've never had a medical class lol..Yes so maybe I may sound a little confident but hey why shouldn't I be? Look at what he's gone through and the things I've had to do to get him to where he is today!! Anyways, one thing that scares the life out of me is that I KNOW that at some point this year a decision will be made about what to do about my baby boys heart!! With the transplant evaluation getting closer, we go on January 26 to talk to the social worker in Charlottesville & to see the transplant cardiologist..So once the evaluation is done I'm assuming is when they will decide if he needs a transplant or not!! I'm so scared I read the booklet thing they gave me to read and it's so much and it makes me want to cry and about hyperventilate when I think about my son needing a transplant..I try to be calm about it and most people would probably say I seem so okay with it when really I'm not, it kills me to think about it or even try to imagine telling him goodbye before surgery just because I won't be sure if I'll ever see him again..I know I should NOT think like that but it's the reality of it when you have a child with a CHD and needing a transplant or will have a transplant..I don't know what to expect everyday when I wake up and don't hear him in his room..I don't know what to expect when I go get him & Tavion up from a nap because I hear Tavion but don't hear a movement from Kayden!! Walk a day in my shoes and you'll understand the feeling of terror I feel when he is sick or when he's in the hospital & doctors are telling you this stuff, or how about when he's crying and screaming from the needles being poked into him trying to get a good vein I know that's not good for his little heart and it breaks my heart because his veins are no good and they have to stick him so much =/...ANYWAYS I've got tears in my eyes just seeing those visions in my head from just a month ago...Anyways onto my baby girl..Well who isn't such a baby anymore!! Alexis will be 5 in a month =[ which means this coming Fall she will be in Kindergarten & I will feel the sadness of my first child slowly slipping away from me =/!! Once she is in real school not preschool I know that time will go by so fast and before I know it she'll be a teenager & I'm sure getting her heart broken for the first time which will break my heart, because I will definitely know the feeling of a broken heart because even though it's been awhile it seems like just yesterday I can remember having my heart broken for the first time!! So yes this Fall everyone will get to see me cry because I'm seeing my little girl off to Kindergarten =/..And it's silly kind of because people ask me all the time how I do it with 4 kids & even I have people asking me for advice about things but ya know I'm still learning every single day of my life because, yes I've been through the baby days & the toddler days but I haven't ever been through anything I'm about to experience with Alexis I think sometimes people forget she is my first so I don't know much about when they get a little older...So yess I'm still kind of like a new mom when it comes to Alexis!! All her staying home with mommy days are quickly becoming only a memory for me & it breaks my heart because she is my only girl =[...Anyways I pray that 2011 brings Kayden good health & I pray that God gives Kayden, our family & myself the strength to get through everything that is ahead of him, & I pray that this year doesn't go by as fast as last year so I can take in the memories me & Alexis will make before this coming Fall!! Until next time, have a good night =]
Baby's First New Year!!
Silly kids but I wouldn't have it any other way lol
My little man needing a hair cut LOL <3 his heart
Lexi & Tavion.. I love this one even though they both look pretty crazy lol

1 comment:

  1. Misty, I'm crying after reading this..
    I want you to know I may not have been right by your side through out everything, but I have been here for you through it all and I wouldnt have it any other way, I loved getting to finally meet you & the girls in person.. now I just gotta meet my boys :) I love you all more than you will everrrrrrrr know... you are my sister from another momma, those kids are like MY kids!! time has flew by, and it only seems like yesterday Alexis was so little and Kayden was just born when we met online. now 2 kids later and them growing so fast, we have become the best of friends.. You are a GREAT mother to those wonderful beautiful kids!! I looooove youuuu!!! <3