Light off of an Angels Wing

Everyday just about since Kayden's been gone I think I've looked to the sky and seen sunbeams shining. This evening at the cemetery I looked up and they were SO bright & shining all the way across the sky above him. I said to my mom, it's like it's the light shining off of Kayden's wings. The sky has seemed so beautiful and so bright. The clouds just don't seem so far away anymore. The butterflies and the flowers seem more peaceful. I look at everything in a different way anymore. My Angel is doing this. He is the light in the sky in the mornings, he is the peacefulness I feel when I see a flower or a butterfly. He is in the nice evening breeze. He is all around me no matter where I am. I feel so bad for what I'm about to say and people may even think bad of me but don't judge me unless you have walked the exact same road as me, seen and heard the EXACT same thing I did..NOT similar and NO you don't understand until you had Kayden heard the doctors speak of Kayden and heard Kayden for yourself. But I now feel kind of like this is how it was suppose to happen. I still feel him everywhere it's like he is still here I just can't reach out and grab him. The ache is still there in my arms wanting to feel his touch. Wanting to kiss him goodnight and sing our moon song or hear him say 'go way me'. That's all there but I just feel him everywhere I am and this is just how it was suppose to happen. Now say what you want go ahead and judge because that is how this world is, it's full of judgmental people with no morals. Kayden was my everything, he made my life complete, there is a hole in me that will NEVER be filled again, it will never mend. It will never get better. I'm learning to deal with this pain. Sometimes it's hard to breathe like I've forgotten how. Everyday is still a struggle, some are so hard to get through and that's when Kayden lets me know he's there the most. He will ALWAYS be my first and oldest son. He left behind so much to be so little. As Alexis' first day of kindergarten approaches, I think of how I'll never get to see Kayden do that, how he was suppose to start head start this year today actually. And I'll never see that. I will never see him play sports, or get a girlfriend, never see him graduate high school. Never see my young man get married and have his own family. I will never get that so while there are people out here beating and killing their children because they don't want them. I'm here crying and falling apart inside because I will never have any future for my son because he is in Heaven because of a terrible disease. No one understands how serious heart disease is until you've experienced the long road of a heart condition. Life is never easy but it's always full of lessons. I'm learning new ones everyday.

Keep letting those Angel Wings Shine baby boy, I love you & I miss you Kayden.

I am strong because I am weak...

I want to share this quote it's been a favorite of mine for sometime now. And if you have me as a friend on facebook you know I made it my status just now and I have before.
I am STRONG because I am Weak.
I am Beautiful because I know my flaws.
I am a Lover because I am a Fighter.
I am FEARLESS because I have been afraid.
I am WISE because I have been foolish.
& I can Laugh because I've known sadness.

I'm strong because I'm weak: I've made it through so much in the past 3 1/2 years with my son and I have came through it with having a break down from time to time so that made me weak but at the same time made me strong.
I am Beautiful because I know my flaws: I know I'm not perfect. I'm not one of the girls out here who try to be more than what they are. I don't put myself out there to look like a whore like most people my age do. I know I'm not skinny anymore so I don't try to be and wear clothes 2 sizes too small.
I am a Lover because I am a Fighter: I have proven I will fight until the end for someone I love with no end. Which would in any case be my child. I will no longer fight or lose friends over a guy like I have before.
I am FEARLESS because I have been Afriad: My worst fear and a mother's worst fear, losing their child. I was afraid of that it scared me so bad I had nightmares and would wake up crying.
I am WISE because I have been foolish: I would consider mostly everything I ever did in my childhood foolish I did some things I wish I wouldn't had and I did things that I learned from. I wouldn't be who I am now if I wouldn't have done those stupid things.
And I can Laugh because I've known sadness: I had a miscarriage at the age of 17. I lost my 3 year old son...Losing a child, there is no greater sadness on this earth.

I am 23 years old, a single mom to 3 kids here on this earth and 2 kids in Heaven. I have seen things some people haven't seen by the age of 40 or even in their whole entire life. I faced trials at the age of 20 while my old friends were enjoying their college life. While my old friends were enjoying their college graduation I was worried my son would not live through the night. I am 23 years old and I have known pain, I have seen how strong you can be in times where you should fall to your knees and pray for God to take over your life. I have been through more in the last 3.5 years than some have been through in their whole lives. For that I am strong, I AM fearless, and I AM wise. All before the age of 25.

My love for you...

As I read about all the heart kids who are having complications or heart kids who have passed in the last week or 2. My heart breaks all over again because I can understand the pain they go through. All I can think of is Kayden and how I miss him so much. But then I have to admit if he was meant to go to Heaven I am glad God took him before the heart transplant. I would have probably killed myself if it were after...ok well not killed myself because then I wouldn't be in Heaven with him..But I'm glad he didn't put me through the thoughts of YES HE GOT A HEART NOW HE WILL BE OKAY! And then have that shattered by him rejecting it and him passing after transplant..My love for Kayden is so unconditional and so pure that I don't think many people could understand it. I love that boy. I go to the cemetery every single day sometimes more than once just to be sure no one has been there messing with anything..because I don't trust some people (names will not be mentioned). I still talk to him and I still tell him goodnight. I sing his moon song to the moon when I see it out. And when I see it out I know Kayden is not far away because he sees the same moon as I do. Kayden was my life for  3.5 years and he will be my life for the next 70 yrs if I live that long. I will do what I can to speak for my Angel and for the Angels with him. My love for him will never die, it will never ever get any weaker if anything it will only grow stronger <3 I miss him with every single beat of my heart but when I need to see that smile..I see it right in my head and when I close my eyes <3

Sweet Child

Sweet Child

God made a sweet child
a child who never grew old
He made a smile of sunshine
He molded a heart of pure gold.
He made that child as close to an angel
as anyone ever could be
God made a Sweet Child
and He gave that dear child to me
Then God saw His wonderful creation
growing very tired and weak
so He wrapped the child in His loving arms
and said, "You my child I keep"
But now my Sweet Child is an angel
Free from hurt and pain
I'll love you forever, until we meet again
So many times I have missed you
So many times I have cried
If all my love could have saved you
Sweet Child you never would have died.

author unknown

On the Wings of an Angel

The past few days have been peaceful. And I don't really care how crazy I sound, but I'm gunna say it. I just feel like Kayden is still here. I know it's weird but it goes back to the mother & child bond. Me & Kayden went thruogh a lot together, I carried him so therefore I had him before I shared him with the world. Also when i'm alone I like to think he's next to me. So that's a lot because I don't have many people around anymore. I just stay to myself. It's better that way sometimes. I just like to think that Kayden fulfilled his purpose on Earth, so he went back home to Heaven and that's where he'll wait for me. I don't know why but the sky has looked so beautiful lately <3. That helps too. I am slowly finding some peace in this. I have days where the pain is so unbearable I just want to curl up in a ball and scream and cry for God to take me now. But I know I can't leave these kids. I know my bubba is safe in God's hands right now. I'm excited to get a new tattoo though, I think I've got my mind made up of what I want but of course that may always change lol! As another day comes to an end, don't forget to say a prayer for all our warriors out here fighting. Say a prayer for all of us Angel families, because nights are always worse.

I love you more more more!!

Today is just another one of those days where just about anything will send me over the cliff screaming! I just want to get a few things off my mind. It's my blog so I can say what I want right? I'm going to do a huge toy donation to UVA's PICU and hopefully their whole 7th floor in memory of Kayden for his 4th birthday! I'll be taking the toys the day before his bday which will be on December 20. I'm asking anyone to donate at least one toy if you can't please just don't give me the excuses. I heard the other day from a few people 'sorry I can't times are hard and bills have to get paid'. I wanted to effing yell and scream at them! DON'T TELL ME HARD TIMES!! Do you understand what I've went through and what hundreds of families are going through at this very moment? Their child in the hospital not knowing if they will make it through the night!! ME and hundreds of families right now knowing for the rest of their life they have to live without their child..THAT MY FRIEND IS HARD TIMES. I use to think bills and money were hard times but trust me, the thoughts of how many years I have ahead of me without Kayden that is the hardest thing I will EVER have to do. I think unless you are one of the people in the hospital with your baby or going through the world of CHD or a different health issue I believe you can afford an extra $5 to buy a toy for a sick child that will give them a little happiness when God only knows how much longer they have in the world!!
I keep having flashbacks or day dreams I don't really know what they are of months ago when Kayden was here and me & him were talking. And I can just hear that cute little laugh..It rips my heart out of my chest literally. I do it at the worst times too. I do it driving so we know that's bad. I do it while I'm feeding Isaiah I do it watching TV. I just remember how good he felt when he was home at the beginning of June. I get so mad at myself sometimes because I let them take him off his carvedilol and after talking with another angel mom, her daughter passed away after they took her off the carvedilol because 'studies' show it helps adults. They told me they weren't seeing where it was helping Kayden..I got one question. HOW do you know it's not helping if he is stable? When they took him off it thats when his heart rate went up I believe and well you know what that led to I think they made his little heart beat itself to death. I know I should NOT question it because GOD has the power to help us not man. God had the power to keep Kayden's heart beating. He puts the knowledge in their heads. If he wanted Kayden to stay with us he would have put something in those doctors heads and Kayden would be here with me today. I keep hearing him say 'I love you mo mo mo' lol because he couldn't say more more more real fast. So we'd always say that to each other and also the 'miss you mo mo mo' lol He had the cutest little words and sayings. And I miss that so much. I gave his Mickey Mouse pillow a big hug this morning and said out loud I sure wish I could give you a huge hug right now bubba <3
I love and miss you more than anything Kayden <3

Frustration

My mom went back to work today, it's the first time since Kayden left us to go to Heaven. So waking up in this stupid quiet house was another day in hell!! I've been looking for a job so I can go back to work and move forward with my life with the kids & Kayden (minus the doctors). But I'm having NO LUCK!! Who is gunna hire someone with hardly any experience other than fast food plus I've been out of work for 4 yrs. I refuse to work in fast food. I hated it then and I hate it now. Nothing will change that. And a lot of places once they find out I have kids they won't like that & some places don't want me because I have tattoos on my arm..WOW my kids' names & bdays and My name on  the other. Woo hoo big deal..It ain't like I got a picture of the devil holding a gun to someone's head !! Today is just boring, and I'm missin Kayden so much. I would much rather be caring for him than looking for a job.

Struggles.

Today has been another day in hell. I miss him so much and sometimes I feel like it hurts more and more each day. I just know today has been one of those days, I was at church this morning and was fighting tears during the service. I was at a stop light in front of McDonald's today and starting crying when I looked at the sign, because all I could hear is I want donald's in my ear. He loved McDonald's fries so just seeing that damn place made me cry. I haven't ate there since he's been gone. This just is not fair at all. I know things happen for a reason but I can not figure this one out. What did I do to deserve this, I stood by his side since day 1, his sister didn't deserve to lose her brother & my 2 younger boys didn't deserve to lose their older brother!! I know he's happy in Heaven and running and playing, I like to picture him running through fields of flowers and playing by the river because we all know that water is clear as a whistle. I like to picture that sweet little smile of his and he is probably right by my side right now saying 'mommy don't cry I'm okay'. But it's so hard not to when I just want to touch him or hear that sweet voice. I feel like I've been fighting this back but I haven't anytime I feel like crying I just let it go, but today has been worse than others, I don't know why I guess because I know the 14th is coming up and it'll make a month since he's been gone. And my sister told me the other day that Tavion's 3rd birthday is on Mother's Day next year. So while I'm gunna be terribly upset May 13 because it's my first Mother's day without him plus May 14th will be 10 months since Kayden passed I'll still have to find some way to smile because I have to celebrate Tavion turning 3!! How in the hell am I suppose to do that? Just like Christmas this year I just don't even want to see it come! I don't want December to come at all!! I hate letting the kids see me upset so I just now had to run downstairs to get all this out. So hopefully I can calm myself and relax a bit so I can go get them settled down for the night <3

I've got to get it out!!

All of a sudden another flood of emotions come across me. I see things and all I think is 'I wish I could still say that about Kayden' or 'I remember when we were doing that'. I MISS YOU BUBBY MORE THAN ANYTHING!!! As I'm looking for a job I can't help but get aggravated at the fact that I don't want to do anything else except care for my little man. I miss doing everything for him. I hated while he was in the hospital and I felt so helpless. Once you have a child with special needs, it changes your life. It makes you a better person (at least from a moms perspective). I loved taking care of him, from the cleft lip/palate all the way to giving heart meds, checking sats or putting a NG tube down. I think that's why eventually once I stop freaking out every time I see an ambulance I'm going to go back to school for nursing. I want to feel like I'm helping someone or like I'm making a difference. I don't like this feeling at all! I don't know what triggered this I guess it's just the emotions of having to find a job & having to find a day care because I would have NEVER put Kayden in a day care because I was too worried about him. I hate the fact that I may have to go on for another 50 years without my son. This is truly the worst thing in the world, no Mother should have to bury their child.

I just want to SCREAM!!!!

I want to scream, this is killing me. I sit on Kayden's bed and can just close my eyes and remember while he was here. That boy was such a big part of me. I still don't know what I'm suppose to be doing. I always feel like I'm forgetting something when I leave the house, every night is like hell. Almost as bad as the first night without him. I've always had some kind of obsession with the clouds & the sky. I always look up at them I did before anything happened to Kayden. But now I have a bigger reason, because I've got a little Angel up there. You know I've never really been a religious person or ever really went to church for any length of time in my life. But since Kayden I always prayed, I turned to God, I gave him control & he answered my prayers. Kayden is okay now, no matter how much I hurt. I have ALWAYS believed in heaven. But I asked my mom the other day, you know I just wonder if Heaven is behind the clouds. I mean because really it isn't for human eyes to see so the whole sky could be Heaven. But sometimes it looks like the sun is behind the clouds because it looks gorgeous from behind them but yet the sun is across the sky. So I guess you could say it gives me some comfort to think Heaven is behind the clouds or just all over the sky & I like to think Kayden is playing on a cloud watching over us. On a second note, a lot has been going on, a lot of things are getting proved that I always thought. And soon enough people will get what they deserve for the way they treat others, ESPECIALLY kids.
I love you bubba, watch over me sweet heart. I know it's good to get it all out but when I do I think it'll be like water falls & I'm so use to holding tears back because i did for so many months. I use to say I feel like i was walking around with tears in my eyes. Now I DO walk around with them in my eyes & half the time fighting them. I miss you more more more Kayden <3 xoxoxo