I have handed my son over to surgeons knowing they would stop his heart, and prayed that it would beat again. I have learned more than I ever thought I could. I have cried more than I ever thought possible. I have celebrated victories and milestones that others never have to. I have walked a road I never knew existed. I will walk this road forever. I am a mommy to a CHD Angel ♥ iLy Kayden James

Tuesday, August 2, 2011

I just want to SCREAM!!!!

I want to scream, this is killing me. I sit on Kayden's bed and can just close my eyes and remember while he was here. That boy was such a big part of me. I still don't know what I'm suppose to be doing. I always feel like I'm forgetting something when I leave the house, every night is like hell. Almost as bad as the first night without him. I've always had some kind of obsession with the clouds & the sky. I always look up at them I did before anything happened to Kayden. But now I have a bigger reason, because I've got a little Angel up there. You know I've never really been a religious person or ever really went to church for any length of time in my life. But since Kayden I always prayed, I turned to God, I gave him control & he answered my prayers. Kayden is okay now, no matter how much I hurt. I have ALWAYS believed in heaven. But I asked my mom the other day, you know I just wonder if Heaven is behind the clouds. I mean because really it isn't for human eyes to see so the whole sky could be Heaven. But sometimes it looks like the sun is behind the clouds because it looks gorgeous from behind them but yet the sun is across the sky. So I guess you could say it gives me some comfort to think Heaven is behind the clouds or just all over the sky & I like to think Kayden is playing on a cloud watching over us. On a second note, a lot has been going on, a lot of things are getting proved that I always thought. And soon enough people will get what they deserve for the way they treat others, ESPECIALLY kids.
I love you bubba, watch over me sweet heart. I know it's good to get it all out but when I do I think it'll be like water falls & I'm so use to holding tears back because i did for so many months. I use to say I feel like i was walking around with tears in my eyes. Now I DO walk around with them in my eyes & half the time fighting them. I miss you more more more Kayden <3 xoxoxo

1 comment:

  1. Awwww RIP Bubba...Fly High With The Angels BabyBoy..Watch Over Your Family..We All Love & Miss You More & More EveryDay..You Have A Piece Of Every One's Hearts Bubba! <3 You 5 Misty.. <3 Jaci & The Girls