I have handed my son over to surgeons knowing they would stop his heart, and prayed that it would beat again. I have learned more than I ever thought I could. I have cried more than I ever thought possible. I have celebrated victories and milestones that others never have to. I have walked a road I never knew existed. I will walk this road forever. I am a mommy to a CHD Angel ♥ iLy Kayden James

Sunday, August 7, 2011


Today has been another day in hell. I miss him so much and sometimes I feel like it hurts more and more each day. I just know today has been one of those days, I was at church this morning and was fighting tears during the service. I was at a stop light in front of McDonald's today and starting crying when I looked at the sign, because all I could hear is I want donald's in my ear. He loved McDonald's fries so just seeing that damn place made me cry. I haven't ate there since he's been gone. This just is not fair at all. I know things happen for a reason but I can not figure this one out. What did I do to deserve this, I stood by his side since day 1, his sister didn't deserve to lose her brother & my 2 younger boys didn't deserve to lose their older brother!! I know he's happy in Heaven and running and playing, I like to picture him running through fields of flowers and playing by the river because we all know that water is clear as a whistle. I like to picture that sweet little smile of his and he is probably right by my side right now saying 'mommy don't cry I'm okay'. But it's so hard not to when I just want to touch him or hear that sweet voice. I feel like I've been fighting this back but I haven't anytime I feel like crying I just let it go, but today has been worse than others, I don't know why I guess because I know the 14th is coming up and it'll make a month since he's been gone. And my sister told me the other day that Tavion's 3rd birthday is on Mother's Day next year. So while I'm gunna be terribly upset May 13 because it's my first Mother's day without him plus May 14th will be 10 months since Kayden passed I'll still have to find some way to smile because I have to celebrate Tavion turning 3!! How in the hell am I suppose to do that? Just like Christmas this year I just don't even want to see it come! I don't want December to come at all!! I hate letting the kids see me upset so I just now had to run downstairs to get all this out. So hopefully I can calm myself and relax a bit so I can go get them settled down for the night <3

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