I have handed my son over to surgeons knowing they would stop his heart, and prayed that it would beat again. I have learned more than I ever thought I could. I have cried more than I ever thought possible. I have celebrated victories and milestones that others never have to. I have walked a road I never knew existed. I will walk this road forever. I am a mommy to a CHD Angel ♥ iLy Kayden James

Monday, August 29, 2011

Light off of an Angels Wing

Everyday just about since Kayden's been gone I think I've looked to the sky and seen sunbeams shining. This evening at the cemetery I looked up and they were SO bright & shining all the way across the sky above him. I said to my mom, it's like it's the light shining off of Kayden's wings. The sky has seemed so beautiful and so bright. The clouds just don't seem so far away anymore. The butterflies and the flowers seem more peaceful. I look at everything in a different way anymore. My Angel is doing this. He is the light in the sky in the mornings, he is the peacefulness I feel when I see a flower or a butterfly. He is in the nice evening breeze. He is all around me no matter where I am. I feel so bad for what I'm about to say and people may even think bad of me but don't judge me unless you have walked the exact same road as me, seen and heard the EXACT same thing I did..NOT similar and NO you don't understand until you had Kayden heard the doctors speak of Kayden and heard Kayden for yourself. But I now feel kind of like this is how it was suppose to happen. I still feel him everywhere it's like he is still here I just can't reach out and grab him. The ache is still there in my arms wanting to feel his touch. Wanting to kiss him goodnight and sing our moon song or hear him say 'go way me'. That's all there but I just feel him everywhere I am and this is just how it was suppose to happen. Now say what you want go ahead and judge because that is how this world is, it's full of judgmental people with no morals. Kayden was my everything, he made my life complete, there is a hole in me that will NEVER be filled again, it will never mend. It will never get better. I'm learning to deal with this pain. Sometimes it's hard to breathe like I've forgotten how. Everyday is still a struggle, some are so hard to get through and that's when Kayden lets me know he's there the most. He will ALWAYS be my first and oldest son. He left behind so much to be so little. As Alexis' first day of kindergarten approaches, I think of how I'll never get to see Kayden do that, how he was suppose to start head start this year today actually. And I'll never see that. I will never see him play sports, or get a girlfriend, never see him graduate high school. Never see my young man get married and have his own family. I will never get that so while there are people out here beating and killing their children because they don't want them. I'm here crying and falling apart inside because I will never have any future for my son because he is in Heaven because of a terrible disease. No one understands how serious heart disease is until you've experienced the long road of a heart condition. Life is never easy but it's always full of lessons. I'm learning new ones everyday.

Keep letting those Angel Wings Shine baby boy, I love you & I miss you Kayden.

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