I have handed my son over to surgeons knowing they would stop his heart, and prayed that it would beat again. I have learned more than I ever thought I could. I have cried more than I ever thought possible. I have celebrated victories and milestones that others never have to. I have walked a road I never knew existed. I will walk this road forever. I am a mommy to a CHD Angel ♥ iLy Kayden James

Saturday, August 13, 2011

I love you more more more!!

Today is just another one of those days where just about anything will send me over the cliff screaming! I just want to get a few things off my mind. It's my blog so I can say what I want right? I'm going to do a huge toy donation to UVA's PICU and hopefully their whole 7th floor in memory of Kayden for his 4th birthday! I'll be taking the toys the day before his bday which will be on December 20. I'm asking anyone to donate at least one toy if you can't please just don't give me the excuses. I heard the other day from a few people 'sorry I can't times are hard and bills have to get paid'. I wanted to effing yell and scream at them! DON'T TELL ME HARD TIMES!! Do you understand what I've went through and what hundreds of families are going through at this very moment? Their child in the hospital not knowing if they will make it through the night!! ME and hundreds of families right now knowing for the rest of their life they have to live without their child..THAT MY FRIEND IS HARD TIMES. I use to think bills and money were hard times but trust me, the thoughts of how many years I have ahead of me without Kayden that is the hardest thing I will EVER have to do. I think unless you are one of the people in the hospital with your baby or going through the world of CHD or a different health issue I believe you can afford an extra $5 to buy a toy for a sick child that will give them a little happiness when God only knows how much longer they have in the world!!
I keep having flashbacks or day dreams I don't really know what they are of months ago when Kayden was here and me & him were talking. And I can just hear that cute little laugh..It rips my heart out of my chest literally. I do it at the worst times too. I do it driving so we know that's bad. I do it while I'm feeding Isaiah I do it watching TV. I just remember how good he felt when he was home at the beginning of June. I get so mad at myself sometimes because I let them take him off his carvedilol and after talking with another angel mom, her daughter passed away after they took her off the carvedilol because 'studies' show it helps adults. They told me they weren't seeing where it was helping Kayden..I got one question. HOW do you know it's not helping if he is stable? When they took him off it thats when his heart rate went up I believe and well you know what that led to I think they made his little heart beat itself to death. I know I should NOT question it because GOD has the power to help us not man. God had the power to keep Kayden's heart beating. He puts the knowledge in their heads. If he wanted Kayden to stay with us he would have put something in those doctors heads and Kayden would be here with me today. I keep hearing him say 'I love you mo mo mo' lol because he couldn't say more more more real fast. So we'd always say that to each other and also the 'miss you mo mo mo' lol He had the cutest little words and sayings. And I miss that so much. I gave his Mickey Mouse pillow a big hug this morning and said out loud I sure wish I could give you a huge hug right now bubba <3
I love and miss you more than anything Kayden <3

1 comment:

  1. I think you're so right about the donation & Hard Times! People who haven't lived it, don't know! We'll be sending you some toys next week, you Amaze me with your strength and its so sweet you're doing for others after all you've been through & go through! Always in our thoughts & prayers Misty, Family & Kayden XoXo