I have handed my son over to surgeons knowing they would stop his heart, and prayed that it would beat again. I have learned more than I ever thought I could. I have cried more than I ever thought possible. I have celebrated victories and milestones that others never have to. I have walked a road I never knew existed. I will walk this road forever. I am a mommy to a CHD Angel ♥ iLy Kayden James

Thursday, August 4, 2011

I've got to get it out!!

All of a sudden another flood of emotions come across me. I see things and all I think is 'I wish I could still say that about Kayden' or 'I remember when we were doing that'. I MISS YOU BUBBY MORE THAN ANYTHING!!! As I'm looking for a job I can't help but get aggravated at the fact that I don't want to do anything else except care for my little man. I miss doing everything for him. I hated while he was in the hospital and I felt so helpless. Once you have a child with special needs, it changes your life. It makes you a better person (at least from a moms perspective). I loved taking care of him, from the cleft lip/palate all the way to giving heart meds, checking sats or putting a NG tube down. I think that's why eventually once I stop freaking out every time I see an ambulance I'm going to go back to school for nursing. I want to feel like I'm helping someone or like I'm making a difference. I don't like this feeling at all! I don't know what triggered this I guess it's just the emotions of having to find a job & having to find a day care because I would have NEVER put Kayden in a day care because I was too worried about him. I hate the fact that I may have to go on for another 50 years without my son. This is truly the worst thing in the world, no Mother should have to bury their child.

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